


Emotionally Unavailable

by somanyfeels



Category: Detroit: Become Human (Video Game)
Genre: Abuse, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bad BDSM Etiquette, Bondage, Domestic Violence, Dress Up, Electrocution, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Good Parent Hank Anderson, Hurt Connor (Detroit: Become Human), Hurt/Comfort, Ignored Safeword, Knifeplay, M/M, Panic Attacks, Poor Connor, Protective Hank Anderson, Sexual Roleplay, Strangulation
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-31
Updated: 2019-05-10
Packaged: 2019-10-19 16:28:06
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 17
Words: 40,516
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17604863
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/somanyfeels/pseuds/somanyfeels
Summary: Connor just wanted the teasing to stop.  It was mostly harmless, the constant jabs at his personal life and Officer Chen trying to set him up with every android she had ever met.It didn't sit right with him.  Each comment making  his stress rise bit by bit.  He hesitated when Reed offered an arrangement, but he didn't see what harm pretending could do.





	1. A Drunken Proposition

**Author's Note:**

> Warning: this is not a heartfelt romance story. Nor is this a very Reed friendly fic.
> 
> There will be explicit sexual scenes in this story, with extreme dubious consent. This comes in the form of ignored safewords and lack of negotiating before sexual acts. Warnings will be posted for the chapters they appear in.

“Perhap I shouldn’t be here?”  Connor whispered softly. He held his Secret Santa gift in hand, a twenty piece set of colorful gel pens for the receptionist.  She was always doodling on the adult coloring pages and Connor had thought it was an appropriate gift.

 

“Just relax Connor.  You should be here, you belong here, if anyone makes you feel like you shouldn’t be here then tell me right away.”  Hank said.

 

“But you’re going to get drunk.”  Connor said, matter-of-factly.

 

“Happy drunk.  You should be thrilled.  Stop worrying so much.” Hank said.

 

It wasn’t the gift he was worried about, it fell within her interests and she was always very kind to him.  No, Connor was worried about the holiday party itself. It was one thing to see his coworkers every day at the station, where they let him work and come and go as needed.  This was a holiday party, this was all of them laughing, talking, and drinking. Connor knew all of these people as coworkers, but he didn’t know if they would like him around for the sake of socializing.  Hank himself barely seemed to deal with him.

 

“I brought a gift.”  Connor said as Hank slipped off his coat and Officer Chen rushed over to greet them.

 

“For me?”  Tina said, blinking in surprise.

 

“No, for Trudy the receptionist.  I am her secret Santa. Do I give it to her now?”  He asked softly. Hank started tugging at Connor’s coat as well.

 

“Connor, relax.  You’ll put the present on the table there and when it’s time to pass it all out she’ll get it.”  Hank said. Tina plucked the present from Connor’s hands so that Hank could pull off his coat the rest of the way to hang up.  Connor just stood there, looking out at everyone else.

 

He saw these people every day.  Mostly, they were in uniform, they were busy with their cases or having a brief moment to chat in the break room.  Right now, they were all in brightly colored outfits, festive sweaters for the season, laughing and drinking and celebrating the year.  Officer Miller came up to greet him as Tina took the presents back to the table.

 

“Hey, Chris, nice sweater.”  Hank said, smiling warmly at the man.  

 

“Thanks man.  Me and Barb got a matching set.”  Chris said. He ran his hands down his chest and smoothed the fabric out.  Officer Miller’s sweater displayed a reindeer’s rear end, the front half cut off and Connor assumed was on the other sweater of the set.

 

The party had drinks, which Connor had assumed was the main reason Hank had come.  What surprised him though was that Hank was friendly. He drank, he laughed at jokes, he patted people on the back.  The more he drank and talked the happier he got around everyone. There were only a few people Hank seemed to have no interest in, but Connor wasn’t one of them.

 

Every few minutes Hank would seek him out, find whatever corner of the party Connor had wandered to, and throw an arm over his shoulders to drag him back to a gathered crowd of drinking, laughing people.  All of their blood alcohol levels rising higher and higher each time. It was a Christmas party, it was to be expected, they were all getting the night off, even Fowler was here somewhere. They were all happy.  Connor couldn’t drink, but he was still expected to socialize.

 

“Here he is, I found him flirting with the coat rack in the corner.”  Hank said.

 

Connor didn’t blush, he was hardly aware of which of his emotions were associated with embarrassment or not, but he did see his stress levels tick a few percentage points upwards as they all laughed, pulling him in with the group.  There weren’t as many people as it seemed, but Connor felt surrounded. Officer Miller hung on every drunken word Hank said, always looking up to the man despite rampant personal issues, so as Hank pulled Connor close, Miller drifted closer.  Officer Chen, on the other hand, had a keen interest on everyone’s personal business, leaning in to ask questions.

 

“Do you have a girlfriend?  My cousin’s android started a job at the aquarium and since Hank got you a fish tank I figured, hey, you’re both androids.”  She said with a big smile, speaking louder than necessary to be heard.

 

“Hank got me a what?”  Connor asked, raising an eyebrow.

 

“A fish tank!  You know, glass box you put fish in!”  She said, grinning wide.

 

“Shut the fuck up!!  It’s not even fucking Christmas yet and you’re already ruining the kid’s first holiday!  Now I have to return it, get him something fucking stupid that he won’t even like all because you can’t keep your mouth shut!”  Hank said. The drunker he was, the louder and more vulgar his words were, despite the large, playful grin on his face. “Connor, delete memory!”

 

Connor smiled back, his chest feeling warm and a bit less tight.  “Deletion complete, Lieutenant. What were we talking about?”

 

“Your girlfriend!”  Miller shouted.

 

“Yes!  If you don’t like my cousin’s android, I have a whole list ready.  No more single coworkers. Oh! Maybe one of the old police assistance androids!”  Tina said. He grabbed Connor and Chris each by the arm and started tugging at them excitedly, as if they both were inspiring her to do something exciting.

 

“I don’t need a girlfriend.  I am quite happy at the moment.”  Connor said.

 

“Nope, I’ve already decided.”  Officer Chen said, tilting her head back to take a long drink of whatever was in her glass.  Alcoholic content at 40%.

 

“It’s not necessary.  My personal life is doing quite fine.”  Connor said.

 

“Yeah, for someone who hardly leaves the house.”  Hank said, leaning in. His glass contained just whiskey, nothing to mix it with and nothing to dull it down.  If Connor was keeping track correctly, he was on his forth glass.

 

“I leave the house.”  Connor said defensively.

 

“Apparently not enough.”  Tina said with a wink.

 

She was already holding out her phone, showing Connor pictures of different female android models, asking which one he thought was prettiest.  He didn’t know for sure. A lot of them were pretty, but there was more to it than that. She was showing him the marketing photos, androids standing perfectly still, staring straight ahead, like the images from Cyberlife’s website. Connor had met many androids with those faces, all of them different and unique, some Connor got along with, others he prefered at a distance.

 

“Connor, you and this one will make a cute couple.”  Tina said. She shoved the phone into his face and he barely had to look at the photo before it was being pulled back again.  “Or...hold on.”

 

“I think you’re making him uncomfortable.”  Detective Reed said, draping himself over officer Chen’s shoulders and laughing.  He scrolled through the photos as well, wrinkling his nose the more he did. “Can’t we just order him a girlfriend?”

 

The more the conversation continued, each moment felt like they were offering up a new android model as a potential partner, with a newfound interest with his love life, he felt his stress tick upwards.  He felt like they were selling features to him, selling faces. Which model would he prefer? Which one would look best standing next to him?

 

But androids couldn’t get drunk, Connor quickly became the only sober one as all of his coworkers laughed and joked and did shots, back to back, in some sort of friendly competition.  Hank always had a full glass, his own mood somewhat lifted as he laughed along to something someone else had said. Connor stayed mostly silent until they asked him something directly.  Someone put a glass into Connor’s hand, pouring something into it as they laughed about whether or not androids needed sexual features to be good life partners.

 

“You don’t get drunk?”  Reed asked as Connor just stared blankly at the glass.  Connor shook his head. “Wasted on you then.”

 

Reed’s hand shot out and snatched the glass, sliding it closer to himself and drinking fast.  

 

Connor was surprised, blinking and closing his now empty hand into a tight fist.  People kept bumping into him, pressing closer as Tina lead the conversation, never letting it stray too far from her matchmaking.  He backed away, slipping out from under Hank’s arm as he tossed his head back to finish his drink.

 

He should be happy.  He was being welcomed among his coworkers.  Hank had been in a good mood recently, at least since the revolution had settled down and more humans and androids were returning to work peacefully, many companies taking on more employees than before to meet the new market of demand.  Detroit had settled into a surprising peace so soon after the revolution.

 

Connor stepped outside.  The holiday party was held at a local bar, they had rented it out for the day, celebrating everyone’s hard work for the year, especially the rising tension of the past few months.  Connor didn’t feel cold, so he didn’t mind standing out in the snow. There was an android parking unit a few feet away, the lights off and it had long been spray painted over, waiting to be removed.  He stuck his hands in his pockets, frowning as he remembered his coin was in his coat, the one Hank had wrestled off of him and hung on the coat rack.

 

“There you are.”  Reed said, stumbling out the door after him.

 

“Good evening.  I was just getting some air.”  Connor said.

 

Reed stepped out with him, standing just out of arm’s reach and pulling a cigarette out of his pack.  “Don’t worry about Tina, she’s been the same curious gossip since the academy.”

 

“I don’t mind.  Her friendly demeanor is helping me reintegrate back into the station.”  He said.

 

Reed wrinkled his nose, the same disgusted and annoyed look Hank always had when Connor had been staring off into space for too long, not saying or doing anything; still quietly waiting for instructions to come from Cyberlife to tell him what to do.  Connor was still trying cope with the fact that nothing ever came. He was relieved by it, but he also missed knowing what to do with himself.

 

“If you’re going to say you’re alive, you should act like it too.  You know? No one says ‘reintegrate’.” He said, taking a long, slow drag from his cigarette.

 

“I apologize.”  Connor said, wrinkling his nose as well.  He hated the smell, how his sensors seemed to feel like static when they filtered the smoke.

 

“And stop apologizing for shit.”

 

“I’m not sure what you would like me to say.”  Connor said.

 

Reed sighed.  “For fuck’s sake.”  One of his hands darted out, grabbing Connor by the collar of his shirt and pulling him close.  Connor’s LED shifted from yellow to red, his mouth processing the chemical makeup of Gavin’s saliva, the nicotine, the way he hummed as he pushed his tongue into Connor’s mouth.

 

Connor pulled back, hands braced against Reed’s chest, and shoved hard.  Reed was drunk, just like everyone else. He grinned, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand.  Connor’s stress levels jumped, the red glow of his LED shining against the nearby wall of the bar. Reed shrugged, took a step closer.

 

“You know, Tina will lay off you if you actually get a date.  Then she’ll just want details instead of involving herself in that shit.  I think she just wants to be maid of honor one day.” Reed said. He stumbled back some, leaning against the brick wall of the bar, every time he breathed, whether it was smoke or just the cold air, it came out in white puffs.

 

“That was inappropriate.  You’re not supposed to do that anymore.”  Connor said, his hands reaching up subconsciously, seeking out his tie to straighten and tighten around his neck.  It wasn’t there. He didn’t wear it much anymore.

 

“What, kissing you?”  Reed said.

 

Connor nodded, trying to bring his LED back to blue, rather than the pulsing, panicked red.

 

“Well, I’m just propositioning you.  Get Tina off of your back about the whole, single virgin android thing.  Then maybe Fowler would get off my back about thinking I’m some big android racist, as if he doesn’t still call you ‘it’ in all of his paperwork.”  Reed said. He let his cigarette drop. “Nothing has to be real, you know. It just has to look that way.”

 

“I don’t understand.  You’re drunk, Gavin. You should go back inside.”  Connor said. He wanted to go home. He wasn’t good at parties, being surrounded by humans who could all drink, bask in their inebriation as if it was a warm blanket, who all meant well but said the wrong things.

 

“Whatever, just call me if you change your mind.”  Reed said, blowing Connor a kiss and stumbling back inside.

 

Connor didn’t know what he had to change his mind about.  He didn’t even know what Reed was really asking of him. It was a kiss, a confusing jumble of sentences the man called a ‘proposition’ that seemed to have no real meaning.  Or perhaps Reed was just too drunk to say it right. Connor didn’t even want to ask. He just wanted to go home. He wanted to call a taxi, but decided to just wait. He leaned against the wall, hearing the sound of drunk laughter and festive Christmas music every time the door opened.  Hank would need a ride home too, Connor would just wait here for him.


	2. The Coercion

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for the response so far!!

Connor didn’t mention anything to Hank when the man finally came stumbling out of the bar, tinsel in his hair and a drunk grin on his face.  He seemed surprised to see Connor there, leaned against the brick wall of the building, snow starting to pile on his boots and in his hair.

 

“There you are.  No one could fucking find you.  Hosea got you a present!” Hank said, far too loudly.

 

Connor called a cab, many cabs, making sure everyone who stumbled out of the bar was lead in the direction of a waiting, parked automated taxi.  He had no trouble getting Hank into one as well, bucked in safely, and within minutes he was drooling against the window. Connor sent a messages to a lot of his coworkers’ emergency contacts, asking to make sure they made it home alright.

 

“Open your damn present, Hosea was so sad.  So sad, you just fucking disappeared fucking android, who disappears for presents?”  Hank mumbled as Connor pulled his arm over his shoulder and dragged him up the steps towards the house.

 

“I was only outside getting some air.  Detective Reed knew I was there.” Connor said.

 

Hank grumbled something that Connor couldn’t decipher.  He got Hank inside, where it was warm and dry, Sumo laid on his back on his dog bed, feet up in the air.  It was late, the party going on for longer than Connor had predicted. He had underestimated the humans’ ability to stay out all night drinking when they had anything to celebrate.  Connor didn’t mind, though he had to step away, it was nice seeing them all so happy.

 

Connor made sure Hank was tucked in and comfortable, laying on his side and his head properly propped up by the pillows.  He left tylenol and a water bottle.

 

Connor was curious about the present Hank had left on the table.  He was under the impression that a secret santa was supposed to be secret, but Hank had clearly stated, loudly, that Hosea had gotten him something and was disappointed Connor wasn’t there to open it.  His stress rose, he should have stayed inside. He could handle the teasing.

 

He sat down and pulled the box onto his lap, carefully pulling up the tape and wrapping paper until he was able to lift the box open.  It was a sweater, 100% wool, dyed in deep, earth toned colors to create a dozen small, vertical stripes. It was soft, his fingers pressing against the thick fabric.  It came with a hat and mittens as well, all matching the striped colors of the sweater. Connor liked it. It was thoughtful. He didn’t have many clothes for himself, often times wearing the same thing a few days in a row, usually his old Cyberlife uniform.  This was something new, warm, and entirely his.

 

He would have to properly thank Hosea at work tomorrow.  He would wear his new sweater, his hat and his mittens, and thank the man for his kindness.

 

Hank woke up late.  It was to be expected after the late night he had, the holiday party sadly scheduled when he and Connor had a shift for the next day.  Not that it mattered if they were late, Captain Fowler had stopped trying to get Hank to show up on time long before Connor had been there.  His day would go much smoother if Hank was in a good mood, and he would only be in a good mood if he slept off most of his hangover.

 

He filled up Hank’s coffee cup and then stood back as the man stumbled around the house getting ready, smiling fondly as he grumbled about something or another.

 

When they finally did make it to the station, it was well past noon.  Most of the other detectives were out working their cases, but Hosea was in Missing Persons, a department that has been overwhelmed with new android cases.  Connor made an extra cup of coffee and brought it over to Hosea’s desk. The man looked up, saw Connor in his new sweater, and grinned.

 

“You like it?”  He asked.

 

Connor nodded.  “I’m sorry I missed the gift exchange.  I had to step outside. I suppose I’m not as comfortable socializing as I would like.”

 

Hosea smiled and shrugged, hand reaching out for the coffee Connor offered.  “It’s okay. You’re new to this whole alive thing, its excusable. Extra sugar?”

 

“And no cream.”  Connor said.

 

“Like a good little coffee robot.”  Reed said, walking up next to him and throwing an arm around Connor’s shoulder.  “Where’s mine?”

 

“I haven’t made one for you.  The last one I tried to get you, you didn’t take.”  Connor said.

 

“That was before, this is now.  I like it black.” Reed said.

 

Connor looked at him, eyes narrowing.  Was this a game? Was it a trick, more teasing?  Connor just shrugged and turned back towards the breakroom, sensing the quick footsteps following him.  He knew it was Reed, he didn’t have to look over his shoulder to verify. He stopped at the coffee maker, looking at the cups and the machine, wondering if he should just tell Reed to make his own coffee, he wasn’t supposed to be a servant.

 

“Is this a trick?”  Connor asked.

 

Reed shrugged.  “Nah, not really.  I just wanted to talk to you about last night.”

 

“Oh.”  Connor said.  He picked up a cup from the rack and put it under the coffee pot, pressing the button and waiting for the coffee to be poured in.  “I would rather we not discuss it.”

 

“Why?  Did I make you uncomfortable?  That wasn’t your first kiss, was it?”  Reed asked.

 

“It was actually.”  Connor said. He grabbed the cup, black coffee sitting two inches from the brim, leaving plenty of room for cream and sugar if Reed wanted it.  He wouldn’t.

 

“Shit really?  I knew you were probably inexperienced, but not that much.  My bad.” Reed said, quickly taking the cup from Connor’s hand.  “All the more reason to consider my offer though.”

 

“Your offer?  Last night you were drunk and talking nonsense.  Everyone was.” Connor said, crossing his arms and leaning back on his heels, slightly away from Reed.  He had been more civil the past few weeks, but only because Fowler ordered him to. Only because Connor was the only android on the force, the only representation in the police of a newly freed people.

 

“Oh sure, we were all drunk.  Tina’s sober now and asked me if I think you would be interested in an old Traci android she found at the supermarket.  She’s not going to stop, no matter how sober she is. Just like the other guys will never stop calling you a machine. Or an it.  A fucking robot.” Reed said. He stepped closer to Connor, raising his eyebrows and grinning wide. “All I’m offering is a chance for you to pretend you’re not a damn machine, that you’re capable of feeling a damn thing.”

 

“And you kissing me last night was in what way related to how our coworkers see me?”  Connor asked.

 

He peered over Reed’s shoulder.  He could see into the bullpen from the break room.  He could see Hank at his desk, leaning forward with his nose pinched between his fingers, his cup of coffee still steaming on the desk in front of him, exactly where Connor had put it.  Reed pushed up on his toes, rising to block Connor’s view.

 

“Well yeah, if people think you and me are together, then they’ll back off of both of us.  Fowler’s watching me like a hawk, thinking I’m going to get him in trouble by whatever fucking android rights shit they have overseeing the department.  Tina will back off on the whole dating thing and it’s hard to think of someone is an emotionless robot if you see them making out with their boyfriend.” Reed said.  He was smiling, lifting his cup up to his lips.

 

“You’re proposing that we become involved?  To satisfy our coworkers?” Connor asked.

 

Reed shrugged.  “I mean, if you want to date every android Tina sees, that’s fine.”

 

“I don’t.”  Connor said.

 

“Good, I wouldn’t either.  So it’s settled then. You and me, you get to be treated like a human, I get treated like I’m not some weird robot racist.”  Reed said.

 

“I didn’t agree.”  Connor said.

 

“Connor, you’re the only android a lot of the guys out there are going to meet.  Do you really want to come off as someone who can’t get a date? No, you want to come off as someone capable of love.  Like a human.” Reed said.

 

“I feel like pretending to be in love with you would just needlessly complicate things.”  Connor said.

 

“Whatever.  I just happen to know Tina is already preparing a catalogue of single women to email to you.”  Reed said. He looked down at his cup and finally stepped back.

 

Connor hadn’t realized he was pressed against the counters, his hands curled against it and gripping tight.  He looked out over the bullpen again, catching sight of Officer Chen, typing quickly on her phone, laughing with another officer.  At him? Was this just a joke? It could be more teasing. Connor felt it, the tight feeling in his chest. He ran an internal scan, it came back with nothing.  He ran it again. There was nothing wrong with his chest, no errors in his systems, other than a steadily rising stress meter.

 

He didn’t like the teasing, the jokes and prods, the questions.  He didn’t like that overwhelming feeling of not belonging. He was an outsider, he had expected to stay one until androids were more accepted, when the amendments were added to the constitution to guarantee them equal rights.  No one had said anything to him about not belonging, but that didn’t mean people didn’t think that way.

 

“It’s just pretend?”  Connor asked.

 

Reed turned back to him, raising an eyebrow.  “Well yeah, you think I’m actually into you?”

 

“If it’s only pretend, only for a little while, then I will play along.  But just because you want Fowler to stop questioning your motives in android related cases, it doesn’t mean you can get away with anything.”  Connor said firmly, trying to square his shoulders, to appear set and focused and certain. 

 

“Yeah yeah.  No big deal.”  Reed said. “But this means I have to kiss you, you know.  And people have to actually see us together, but we can negotiate that shit.  You know, figure out where the line is.”

 

“Alright.  Tonight then?”  Connor said. His stress levels wouldn’t lower, but they were no longer steadily rising.  He was confused mostly, an uncomfortable feeling in his chest squeezing tight.

 

“Yeah.  Tonight.”  Reed said. He was smiling, the one corner of his mouth curling upwards as he put his coffee cup down and strolled back up to Connor.  

 

He was worried that Gavin was going to grab him, shove him against the counter or intimidate him in some way.  He wasn’t sure how this would work, his previous interactions with Reed were strained at best. Connor didn’t know if they would be able to convince anyone, or if this was just an elaborate trick, another opportunity to tease him relentlessly.

 

Or perhaps this was a new beginning.  A chance for Connor to fit in, share a human experience with everyone else.  Maybe Gavin was extending a hand of friendship.

 

He wanted to ask Hank for advice, but he doubted the man would approve.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Remember, heed the tags before continuing further.


	3. Nervous Pleasantries

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You guys are all so ready to get to the bad stuff haha. Soon, can't just jump in on the trauma without a proper foundation.

Connor looked at himself in the mirror, his eyebrows pressed together.  His hair didn’t seem to sit as neatly as it had before and the more he combed it the worse it got.  The texture was fluffy and soft, impossible to comb back. He wasn’t sure what Cyberlife did to make his hair so neat to begin with, but it wasn’t working anymore.  He didn’t know what to do with it.

 

“You need hair gel, or hair spray, or something.  Hair doesn’t lay down flat naturally.” Hank said, appearing in the doorway, leaning against it.  He watched Connor for a moment.

 

“I don’t have any.”  Connor said. 

 

“But I do.  Now sit down.”  Hank said. He pushed off of the doorway and into the bathroom, waving Connor to sit on the edge of the bathtub and wait.  “What are you getting all dressed up for?”

 

“I can’t want to look nice without you getting suspicious?”  Connor asked. Hank closed the medicine cabinet and glared at him from the mirror.  He was gathering up bottles, aerosol cans, anything he had laying around that Connor doubted he used anymore.  “I have a date.”

 

“A date?”  Hank asked.  He sat down on the rim of the tub, right next to Connor, putting the bottles down at their feet.  “Please tell me you’re not letting Tina set you up. She’ll never stop. You don’t want to give her that kind of power.”

 

Hank laughed.  He was smiling as he squirted something into his hands and started to work it into Connor’s hair.  Connor sat completely still, his shoulders hunched and his body tense and stiff. He doubted he would ever get used to this.  Someone standing so close, someone touching him, hands moving through his hair. It had been so normal when he wasn’t deviant, people putting their hands on him to move him, groom him how they liked, pushing him aside when they didn’t like where he was.

 

This was different.  Connor knew it was. This was Hank helping him get ready, because Connor needed it.  It still felt the same though, the hands.

 

“Close your eyes.”  Hank said. Connor did.  As soon as they slid shut he heard the spray, felt the droplets sticking to his forehead.  “Perfect.”

 

“Hairspray wouldn’t irritate my eyes like it would a human’s.”  Connor said.

 

“Well, it’s still fucking creepy having you stare at me while I do your hair.”  Hank said.

 

Connor hummed, a small vibrating noise to let Hank know he was still listening as his eyes slid shut.  “It’s not anyone Officer Chen found for me. It’s a human actually.”

 

“A human?”  Hank asked.

 

He wasn’t touching Connor anymore, not rustling his hair or brushing the strands from his eyes.  Connor wanted to open his eyes, to see him, to question what his silence meant. He waited, in case Hank wasn’t done.

 

“Which human?”  Hank finally continued.

 

“Gavin.”

 

“Reed?  Why the fuck are you going on a date with Reed?”  Hank said.

 

Connor opened his eyes, blinking up at the man and reaching up curiously for his hair.  “Because he asked.” It felt stiff and crunchy under his fingers.

 

“Not a good enough reason.”  Hank said.

 

Connor stood up and walked over to the mirror.  His hair was laying down flat, still, and not at all like the poofy mess it had been before.  Connor’s stress went down. He looked a bit more put together, like before. He wanted to squeeze the crunchiness out of his hair, but he also didn’t want to risk ruining it again.  

 

“Thank you, Hank.”  Connor said.

 

“Hey, listen to me.”  Hank said, grabbing Connor by the elbow.  Connor turned to look at him, pulling his arm back from the man’s grip as he immediately let it go.  “I mean it, that’s not a good enough reason to go out with him. He’s a fucking prick.”

 

The situation was needlessly complicated.  It was confusing and annoying and there was no clear answer.  Hank didn’t approve. Tina had become a saleswoman for any available android she could find, and now there was the constant worry.  Did he fit in enough? Did he act human enough? Did he belong?

 

“He deserves a second chance.  After everything that’s happened, I think everyone deserves a second chance.”  Connor said. He nodded, it sounded right. It sounded like something Markus would say, about extending a hand of friendship to the humans.  Connor needed to belong, he needed to fit in and show everyone that he was okay. The DPD would never be trusted by androids unless there were androids working there, and as of now there was only Connor.

 

“He threatened you with a gun.”  Hank said, crossing his arms. “Twice.”

 

“And you threatened me with a gun.  And told me you would like to see me thrown into a dumpster and set on fire.  And you have yet to remove the anti-android stickers from your desk. And still, I trust you.  I’m alone here in your home because you let me stay. It’s only fair I give Gavin another chance as well.”

 

Connor saw how Hank’s expression darkened with each word he said.  How he recoiled as Connor threw all of his past actions in his face, how Connor showed that he hadn’t forgotten, hadn’t ignored it, and was still here anyway.  Hank took a step back, his chest rising, and then falling with a loud sigh.

 

“Fine.  Just be careful, okay?”  Hank said.

 

Connor nodded, relieved that Hank seemed to be dropping the subject.  It wasn’t real, Connor wanted to say. It was just pretend. It was just so people would see him and believe he was real, he was capable of human relationships, of caring about people.  He belonged. He wasn’t an outsider.

 

Gavin was on his way, would come by to pick him up in the next fifteen minutes.  Connor didn’t feel ready. It wasn’t a real date, but he felt wholly inadequate all the same.  It was all pretend, and yet every website article Connor pulled up about first dates insisted he make a good first impression.  His hair was laying down flat, he still wore the sweater Hosea had gotten for him, but it didn’t feel like enough. It felt like the bare minimum, that where ever Gavin took him he would be out of place.

 

“Stop staring at yourself, you’re fine.”  Hank said. He hadn’t left the room, only retreated back to the doorway, arms crossed, leaning against it.

 

“I’m fine.”  Connor repeated.  He still reached up and brushed the hair out of his eyes.  It wasn’t a real date. They were only meeting up to pretend to date, to negotiate their arrangement.

 

Connor didn’t get another text, nor did Gavin knock on the door.  Instead, Connor found out he was outside by the long, shrill sound of the car horn.  Hank raised an eyebrow, nose wrinkling, and before he could open his mouth to say anything Connor darted for the door.  It was...embarrassing. Connor was uncomfortable and embarrassed and this was his first date, and it was a fake one.

 

Connor didn’t look back as he marched down to the street and around the car, Gavin waiting for him in the driver’s seat.  Connor climbed in and slid down, staring straight ahead as he pulled the seatbelt over himself.

 

“Hey Hank!”  Reed shouted, the window rolling down and the temperature already dropping inside the car.

 

If Hank responded, Connor didn’t hear him.

 

“What did he say?”  Connor asked. He didn’t look over until the car pulled away from in front of the house.

 

“Nothing, just flipped me off.”  Reed said.

 

“Oh.”  Connor said.

 

Everything was fine.  Reed was still wearing the same jacket, same flannel shirt, and old, stained jeans as he had earlier at the station.  He wasn’t dressed fancy, or like he wanted to put much effort in. Connor looked down at himself, at his new sweater, he could still feel the sticky, crunchiness of his hair, and felt a bit relieved that he hadn’t done more and that this was all he needed.

 

“Where are we going?”  Connor asked.

 

“My place.”  Reed said.

 

“Oh.”  Connor said again.

 

Reed’s nose wrinkled, his eyebrows squeezing together, and Connor could tell it was a look of displeasure, annoyance perhaps, but Gavin didn’t say anything else.  Connor decided to stay quite as well. Certain things weren’t his place to ask about. Connor was still figuring out what his place was, but he didn’t want to start off crossing lines.  He didn’t ask.

 

Gavin’s house wasn’t far from Hank’s, they were closer to one another than they were to the station.  It was a pleasant surprise. It settled some nerves Connor had, the uncomfortable feeling he got in his chest when his stress levels rose too high, now that he knew he was in walking distance to home.

 

“It’s nothing fancy, but I went to the store and got you a pack of blue blood.  And I ordered pizza. Whichever you prefer.” Gavin said, climbing out of the car and waiting for Connor to follow him.

 

Connor thanked him, looking up at the house.  It was small, almost disappearing behind the red and green Christmas lights that were stapled to the gutters and behind the trees in his yard.  Still, the house seemed to be well maintained. Besides the chipping paint, it was structurally sound and looked to have escaped the fate of many Detroit buildings in the past few decades, even when the city was all but abandoned and left crumbling.  Even now, with Detroit’s economy thriving, many humans and androids returning to work with an expanded workforce to meet the needs of a whole new demographic of consumers, there were still homes that looked empty and on the verge of collapse.

 

Gavin rushed into the house, dragging Connor in behind him.  He kicked the snow from his boots and hung up his jacket, flicking the lights on and waited for Connor to do the same. 

“This is my cat, Petunia.”  Gavin said, pointing at a large, white and brown longhaired cat, laying happily on the back of the couch.  He turned, his finger now pointing at a different shape sitting on the computer desk. “And that’s my other cat, Trashbag.”

 

“Petunia and Trashbag.”  Connor said. He leaned down, his face inches from Petunia, a soft looking thing fast asleep on the back of the couch.  He almost wanted to press his face directly into it, see if it was as soft as it looked, if he could bury himself into its long fur like he could with Sumo.

 

“She bites.”  Gavin said.

 

“She’s a good girl.”  Connor said.

 

Gavin hummed.  His socked feet made dull thudding sounds as they walked off towards the kitchen.  Connor didn’t look back at him, didn’t see what he was doing. Instead he lifted his hand slowly and carefully reached out, his fingers mostly limp, and carefully put it on the cat’s back.  It was soft, Petunia purred loudly, tail flicking out and Connor moved his hand to slowly pet her back.

 

She kept sleeping, completely at peace with Connor’s careful hands, delicately trying not to bother her, and marvelling at how soft she was.  Sumo was soft, but his hair was always a bit course, laying down mostly flat instead of sticking out, puffy and delicate. He turned towards the desk, Trashbag’s eyes were open, watching him, but still purring all the same.

 

“I really like your cats, Gavin.”  Connor called out.

 

“Oh yeah?  They treating you nice?”  Gavin said, walking back into his living room.  He held a paper plate in one hand and two glasses in the other.  One of the glasses contained something opaque, and dark. The other contained something bright blue.  Each splashed up the sides as he walked to the living room and set everything down on the coffee table.  “Silly straw or no silly straw?”

 

Reed held it up.  A green straw twisting and curling into different shapes.  A red one had already been dropped into Gavin’s glass.

 

“Yes please.”  Connor said.

 

It was thirium, likely from the pouch Gavin had said he bought earlier.  It was thick, difficult to suck up with the straw, but Connor liked the color shift as the blue went through the plastic green.  Connor smiled, the tension draining from him a bit. His shoulder slumped forward as he held his glass in both of his hands and Gavin ate his pizza.

 

“Hank thinks this is a bad idea.”  Connor said.

 

“You told Hank about the deal?”  Reed asked.

 

“No, I just told him you were taking me on a date.”  Connor said. He looked around the apartment. He could find traces of cat hair on almost every surface.  He saw the knickknacks on the higher shelves, the dusty photos hanging on the walls. Unlike Hank, who had records and jazz pictures, Gavin seemed to have only the barest bit of decorations, in their place there was a cat tree and a few odds and ends.  “He seems to think you’re not good for me.”

 

Gavin laughed, the grin spreading across his face and Connor waited, trying to see how that smile affected his stress levels.  Before, almost anything Gavin did made Connor uncomfortable, made his stress rise. How much of that was based on assumptions? From how everyone was before the revolution, before he was alive.  If Hank could change, Reed could too. He scooted a bit closer on the couch.

 

“I don’t think his opinion matters at all to me.”  Gavin said.

 

Connor nodded.  He was right, it shouldn’t.  Now was the time for second chances, Connor got one, Hank got one, all the androids in the country was getting one.  Maybe Reed needed one too, maybe he had only the best intentions about this.

 

Reed smiled at him and Connor smiled back, sitting close enough for their thighs to press together.  That was how couples should sit, if Connor had read anything correct on the subject.

 

“You’re really awkward.  We should practice on what we should do in public, so people really think you’re madly in love with me.”  Gavin said, reaching out a plucking the cup from Connor’s hands.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter it'll start kicking into gear, though it might not be as horribly traumatizing as it will be later. Abuse tends to start off slow, insert the lobster and boiling water metaphor here.


	4. Eyes on Fire

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Things take time, cant jump right into the torment, its gotta be slow. More potential for pain that way.

The second kiss was different than the first.  Instead of alcohol and cigarettes, his scanners picked up pizza, traces of thirium, and cola.  The chemical makeup appeared before his eyes as Gavin hummed, a hand moving to Connor’s cheek. Gently, he tilted Connor’s head back to deepen the kiss.  The first kiss was nothing like this, the first kiss was hasty and surprising. It was when Gavin was drunk and Connor uncomfortable. This one was different.

 

Perhaps it was being alone, being able to practice for when they put up appearances for the station.  It helped that it was just pretend, that it wasn’t real. Connor could sit here and let Gavin hum and lean against him, one hand on his face and the other on his thigh.  All of it was pretend, it wasn’t real. Just practice, for when people see them and see Connor doing perfectly normal, human things. And then he would belong.

 

Gavin leaned forward, pressing Connor’s back again the couch cushions.  The hand on Connor’s thigh squeezed. He looked around the house. Along the far walls, high enough for Connor to see around Gavin, were bookshelves. The shelves had a few dusty paperbacks, but rows and rows of dvds.  Dvds had stopped being produced in 2022, in favor of digital streaming. Only collectors had them.

 

Connor updated the information.  Gavin collected vintage movies. That kind of information seemed important for someone in a relationship to know.  Connor mimicked Gavin, letting out soft, satisfied hum. The man leaned harder against him, pushing him down to lay back on the couch.  Connor was disappointed he couldn’t see what was on the shelves, things to know in case it came up later.

 

Connor looked at the ceiling, a hand sliding up his side, pushing at his sweater until it touched skin.  There was dust hanging from the ceilings, faint strands of it around the corners. He updated his information again.  Gavin wasn’t a thorough cleaner.

 

“Are your fucking eyes open?  That’s creepy man.” Gavin said, immediately pulling back.  Connor was left lying back, feeling the sudden rush of cold that hit his body, His lips felt strange, all the analyzing it had been running as Gavin kissed him was suddenly jerked to a stop.  His sweater was pushed up his stomach, exposing more skin as the heavy warm blanket that had been Gavin was pulled away.

  
“I’m sorry.  I was just scanning my environment.”  Connor said. He pushed himself to sit up, tugging his sweater down to lay properly again.  “I figured knowing personal information about you would be more convincing than just kissing for long periods of time.”

 

“Oh really?  Is that what you think real people are like?  You think we stand around and do couples trivia?”  Gavin said, his tone flat but his expression brightening.  His eyebrows shot up and his mouth twisted into a grin. Connor felt that same, tight feeling in his chest.  Like he didn’t belong, like he was being teased again, made a joke. “No, dipshit. We just makeout and show off.”

 

Connor frowned.  “You idea of a relationship sounds depressingly shallow, Gavin.”

 

“At least it's got any feeling to it at all.  You idea of it is just empty.” Gavin said. He stood up quickly, grabbing their glasses and his plate, turning and walking towards the kitchen.  For a moment, Connor considered just staying and waiting, but instead he stood up and followed him.

 

He could see the tension rolling off of the man’s back.  Clenched muscles and quickened breathing. Based on past behavior, Connor risked escalating the argument if he said or did anything.  If he was thinking rationally, he would have simply left.

 

“Empty?”  Connor asked.

 

“Yeah, Connor.  Empty. Cold and emotionless like a fucking robot.”  Gavin said, the cups dropping into the sink loudly. Connor scanned him, seeing Reed’s stress rise steadily.  “You know, real people don’t have scanners or processors. They don’t do that shit, they just enjoy the moment.”

 

“I can turn my scanners off, if you would prefer.”  Connor said.

 

Gavin turned around, bracing his hands on the counter behind him.  He didn’t say anything for a moment, but he watched Connor. His eyes narrowed, attention focused.  Connor felt bare, vulnerable with no place to hide from the watchful gaze. Why would he need to hide?  He had come here willingly, Reed wouldn’t hurt him.

 

“I have an idea.  The creepy thing is that you were just sitting there with your eyes open like a psychopath.  Real people blink by the way.” Reed said. He pushed off the counter and shouldered past Connor to head back into the living room.  Again, Connor moved to follow.

 

Trashbag had hopped off of the computer desk, her tail high as she moved between Reed’s legs, shoving at them and purring louder.  Connor watched from the doorway. Reed ignored his cat entirely, his attention focused on the boxes and shelves in that corner. He was looking for something and Connor was left waiting, whatever Gavin’s idea was, it was because Connor hadn’t acted normal enough.

 

A text alert appeared in Connor’s vision.  It was a message from Hank, short and simple.   _ ‘Things okay?’ _  Connor pondered it for a moment before replying.  Things weren’t okay. Connor was doing it wrong. He wasn’t being alive enough… he was still so empty and flat and if they tried to put on this act in public then everyone would know that Connor still didn’t quite belong among the large crowd of humans he worked with.

 

_ ‘Everything is fine.’ _  Connor messaged back.

 

“Here it is!”  Reed said loudly, pulling out an old black scarf.  “Get over here.”

 

They sat back down on the couch, Reed tugging him closer by a firm hand on his wrist.   They had taken up the same positions they had before, their thighs pressing close to one another, Reed leaning in close with a smile.

 

“Now, just close your eyes.”  He said, reaching his hands up and wrapping the scarf around Connor’s eyes.

 

Connor’s hands shot up, grabbing Gavin’s wrists to stop him.  He pulled back, ducking away from the scarf a bit. “What are you doing?”

 

“Blindfolding you.  So you won’t just be staring at shit while I’m kissing you.”  Reed said. He still held the scarf out, still had his hands reached out for Connor’s face.  Connor didn’t let go of his wrists. “Look, if you want to have your eyes open the whole time I’m teaching you how to kiss, fine, but it’s fucking weird.  It’s creepy. People kiss with their eyes closed. They enjoy it, take it all in. They don’t ‘scan their environment’.”

 

“I can close my eyes.”  Connor said. He ran another visual scan, the tension hadn’t left Reed’s body, his stress was still high.

 

“But it would be easier this way.  You can practice without the temptation.”  Reed said.

 

Connor’s own stress rose.  He had been fine with the kissing, he had expected it.  It hadn’t been pushed onto him outside of a bar, it had been planned out.  It was practice. But he hadn’t prepared himself for a blindfold. He had imagined that he would be allowed to see.

 

“Fine, but I’m not kissing you in public if you’re just going to stare at everyone and everything while we do.”  Reed said, pulling his arms back.

 

“Alright.”  Connor said.  “But just while we practice.”

 

Connor closed eyes.  He felt the fabric wrap around his head, tightening around his eyes.  He kept his eyes closed, but if he peeked he could still see nothing. It was restricting, his scans picking up nothing.  He tried to squeeze his eyes shut, trick the scanners into believing the dark was just because he had his eyes closed, and not because of the scarf wrapped around his eyes.  He felt a hand on his face, and he flinched back.

 

“Don’t worry.  Just me. You just gotta trust me, okay?”  Gavin said.

 

Connor nodded.  He could feel Gavin against him, his body pressed close and he could tell the exact temperature and proximity distance, he could calculate the pressure of the fingers on his face, the textures of the clothes he wore.  His visual scanners came back. Error. Error. Error. Connor turned them off. His scanners still picked up an obstruction. They still picked up the blindfold, hyper aware of how it felt against his head. It felt too tight, the fabric too rough, and he was alerted again, cautioning him that he couldn’t see and there was a pressure around his eyes.  Connor almost turned his touch sensors off as well.

 

“You’re blinking red.”  Gavin said. A finger poked at Connor’s temple, directly over his LED.  “You good?”

 

“I’m fine.”  Connor said firmly.  He didn’t feel fine. He felt like he was suffocating, but androids didn’t really need to breathe so he pushed the feeling away.

 

This kiss, Connor’s third every kiss, was awful.  It felt like too much too quickly. The heat from Gavin’s lips felt like it was burning him, pressing hard against his skin, sinking in deep, and Connor couldn’t open his eyes to see if he was on fire or not.  Every inch of Gavin, pressed up against Connor’s body, felt like it was burning too hot.

 

Connor wanted to open his eyes.  He wanted to see Gavin, he wanted to run his scans, he had never had them off before.  He was always so used to his senses working together. What he saw helped contribute to understanding what he felt and what he heard, and now all the data felt incomplete.

 

The kiss continued on, faster than the second had.  The hands started to move, but instead of pushing Connor down to lay back on the couch they were pulling him closer.  There was a voice whispering to him, slow and husky.

 

“Come here.”  Gavin said.

 

Connor leaned closer, obeying and hoping he was doing it right.  He didn’t think he was. The hands gripped tighter, squeezing his hips, dragging his body forward.  Connor hated that, his stress levels rising from 48% to 63%. His body was being moved by someone else, and he couldn’t see it.  He needed to see it.

 

He felt hands settle low on his hips, his body left to settle on something warm and uneven, legs spread around what Connor could only imagine was Gavin.  He opened his eyes, but saw nothing. He wanted to reach up and tug the scarf from his eyes. He wanted to see what he was sitting on that was shifting under him, he wanted to see the arms wrapped around him, wanted to make sure it was Gavin still pressed against him, kissing him, coming up for air and puffs hot breath against Connor’s cheek.

 

He had to be sitting on Connor’s lap.  He may not be able to get a visual confirmation, but there was no other way he could map out what his physical sensors were picking up.  It was the only way the position would make sense, Gavin was in front of him, Connor had to slightly tilt his head downwards. The body heat under him, in front of him, burning into him as a constant feedback of data.  Connor was straddling.

 

“Gavin.”  Connor said, when the man pulled back to breathe.

 

“Sh, don’t.”  Reed said, moving in to press their lips together again.

 

Connor’s mouth picked apart the chemical makeup of the kiss.  The flashing DNA of Gavin Reed, his personal information pulled up in the database, along with faint traces of what he had been eating and the thirium Connor had been drinking earlier.  Connor’s attention lingered on that, he focused on the data, trying to put the entire scene together. He was still kissing Gavin, he was sitting on his lap, and Connor could logically assume that they were still on the couch.  Connor accessed his GPS, verifying he was still in Gavin’s house.

 

He had the entire scene laid out.  Connor knew where he was, what he was doing, and who he was doing it with.  He tried to get that to sooth his rising stress, he tried to tell himself that he didn’t actually need to see to be able to enjoy this.

 

The hands on his hips moved upwards, pushing at Connor’s sweater once again.  Up his hips, skin touching skin, and his physical sensors lit up once again. They burned bright and hot at the feeling of Gavin’s hands, processing his body heat, the pressure, the location.  Connor was constantly aware of each shift the scanners caught.

 

“Gavin.”  Connor said again, pulling away from the kiss.

 

“Be quiet.”  Gavin said, his lips moving to Connor’s neck, kissing, sucking hard enough to send out alerts.

 

It still felt white hot, errors flashed across Connor’s vision, lighting up in the dark.  He tried to clear them, but Reed’s mouth moved and they came up again. Damage alerts, minor but still red and urgent.  Connor reached up, his fingers touching the fabric of his blindfold.

 

“What are you doing?”  Gavin asked, a hand curling around Connor’s wrist and pulling it away from his face.

 

“I need to see.”  Connor said. He had to see, he needed to make sure there was no damage.  There wasn’t supposed to be damage with kissing, there wasn’t supposed to be burning.  Connor searched his databases, he tried to pull up any information he could on what humans were supposed to do.  If he was human, what was he supposed to do?

 

Connor heard Gavin laugh.  His stress levels rose to 68%.

 

“It’s just practice, relax.  You gotta get used to it, unless you want to go in front of everyone and stare at them when I kiss you.”  Reed said.

 

“You won’t blindfold me at the station.”  Connor said. He tried to pull his hand back, but Gavin’s grip tightened.  “Let me go. I don’t want to practice anymore.”

 

Gavin didn’t let go.  He held tighter, fingers curling and squeezing the joint until another warning flashed.  Then the hand was gone. Connor didn’t move, his hand lingering in the space between him and where he knew Gavin was, still with Connor on his lap.

 

Gavin didn’t grab him again and Connor finally grabbed the scarf and pulled it down, tugging it off of his eyes.  He opened them, scanning the environment. He wasn’t sure what he expected to see. A fire to explain why every touch had felt so hot.  A shift of some kind, something out of place. Petunia and Tashbag were curled up together on one of the higher shelves, eyes closed. The rows of old dvds were still there, Connor scanned a few of the titles.  He just watched, he looked it all over, he took it all in.

 

“Better?”  Gavin asked.  He had his hands laying limply at his sides, near where Connor’s legs were resting.

 

Connor’s hand went up to his neck.  “I was being alerted of possible injury.”  He said slowly. He pulled his hand back. There was no thirium.  There was no indent, no scrape or scab.

 

“Well, I was getting kinda into it.  May have nipped at you once or twice.”  Gavin said, one hand going up to scrub down his face.

 

Connor couldn’t see his neck.  He stepped back, climbing off of Gavin’s lap and making his way towards the hallway with intent.  The bathroom was easy to find, the door left ajar. Connor stepped in front of the mirror, tilting his head back to examine the area.  There wasn’t a single mark.

 

“You good?”  Gavin asked, bracing his arms against the bathroom door.

 

“I… yes.  Everything is coming back fine.”  Connor said softly. He had been so certain, so sure that something was wrong, that there was something he couldn’t see.

 

“Blindfold made it all more intense right?”  Gavin said. He was grinning. “But hey, if this is too much for you, we can call it off.  It’s your say so, no one has to know. But if we keep going, you’re going to have to trust me.  I’m the one who is going to be doing most of the work to make you seem normal.”

 

Connor tugged at the scarf, trying to get it free from around his neck.  He kept looking. His lips had burned under Gavin’s kisses, but there was nothing there.  He pulled up his sweater, feeling the heat and pressure of his hands when they had gripped his hips, but there was no visible damage.

 

“I’m just not used to my visual scanners coming back with nothing.  The missing data was...confusing. I can keep going.” Connor said.

 

He turned away from the mirror, resisting the urge to keep looking for something that wasn’t there.  He felt foolish, scared of something he had agreed to, all because of a simple bit of cloth over his eyes.  If this was what humans did, then Connor had failed miserably. 

 

“I think that’s far enough today.”  Gavin said. His smile softened, his hand reaching out to squeeze Connor’s shoulder as he came closer.  “Tomorrow, I’ll tell Tina we had a date. I’ll tell her we had dinner and watched a movie, and that I got to first base.  That will keep her off your back for the time being. She’s a stickler for details though, so I’ll handle it until you feel ready for next time.”

 

“Next time?”  Connor asked.

 

“Second date.  If she assumes it went well, a second date is expected.  Besides, you need more practice. There’s no way you can make any of this appear natural.”  Gavin said. He backed away, walking down the hall and leaving Connor in the bathroom, only his voice calling out and carrying itself back to Connor.  “I can drive you home.”

 

Connor slumped, looking around the bathroom.  He was doing it again, a visual scan for information.  He thought it was important that Gavin’s bathtub was mint green, the tiles white, and the shower curtain had a few cartoon cats on it.  That seemed more important than the kiss, it felt easier than the kiss. But it didn’t seem to be what normal people did in relationships.  Perhaps Gavin was right, he was lost without him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> bit by bit, boundaries are being pushed back and poor Connor thinks its his fault. Thank you for the comments


	5. Ill Gotten Relief

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know what you guys are all waiting for. It wont be this chapter, but I would be cautious about next chapter 👀👀👀

Connor went to work the next morning with a hollow feeling in his chest.  He kept running his scans and no biocomponents were missing or out of place.  Everything was exactly where it should be. He was fine.

 

He followed closely behind Hank as they walked into the station.  It was Connor’s usual routine to get Hank a cup of coffee, three sugars and no cream.  The coffee dispenser did most of the work after Connor typed in what Hank had requested, leaving the perfect, steaming cup for Connor to take.

 

He stopped and stared at it before looking over his shoulder again.  Reed was at his desk, leaning over a file, an empty cup just out of reach of his hand.  Reed had his coffee with two creams and two sugars. It felt like mundane trivia, but it still felt like something Connor should do.

 

He carried the two cups out of the breakroom, stopping first at Reed’s desk with the offered cup.

 

“You poisoning me?  That pissed about last night?”  Reed asked, hand reaching out for the cup.

 

Connor shook his head.  “I’m not upset.” He said.  His stress levels hadn’t dropped below 40% since yesterday.

 

“Really?  That’s good then.  Tina hasn’t come in yet, so if you want there’s still time to act like it never happened.  We don’t have to do this.” Reed said. He was offering, hands wrapped around the coffee that Connor had brought him and eyes softer than usual.  “If you changed your mind.”

 

Connor looked at him, his head tilting to the side as he thought.  Last night hadn’t been that bad. It was only kissing, only a blindfold.  He had gotten worked up. “I don’t want the blindfold anymore. I will keep my eyes closed for the kissing.”  Connor said, laying out his condition. Reed nodded, raising his cup to his lips.

 

That had been easier than he expected.  He had been so worried, so frightened that Reed would call it all off.  That he found it too strange and felt too uneasy about Connor’s open, analyzing eyes.  But Reed didn’t argue with him. Reed didn’t say a thing. He only nodded.

 

“And kissing is fine.  But I would prefer it if we discuss it beforehand if you are going to touch me.”  Connor said, remembering the hands that burned as they squeezed his hips. The hands pulling him onto Reed’s lap, and Connor who couldn’t open his eyes to see it.

 

“Okay, sure.  I’ll ask first.”  Reed said, nodding into his coffee.  “What about sex?”

 

“Sex?”  Connor asked.

 

“Yeah.  Not for the whole pretend thing we have going.  For fun.” Reed said. Connor stared at him, the hollow feeling in his chest almost expanding.  His stress stayed the same. Reed smiled, a finger going up to poke at his own temple. “Yellow.”

 

“I’m just thinking.”  Connor said. “Why would you want to do that with me?  I’m not designed for it.”

 

He had the capability of it.  Cyberlife learned long ago that if humans couldn’t find a suitable hole in the android, they would make one.  Giving every android the proper tools needed was just to reduce the risk of damage. Still, Connor didn’t have anything coded in him for it, he didn’t have any protocols, just the knowledge that he was capable of it and ways to minimize risk.  Cyberlife had it coded into him to submit, unless it interferes with the mission. But he didn’t have to listen to Cyberlife anymore.

 

“Humans are designed for it though.  And it’s fun.” Reed said.

 

“What’s fun?”  Hank said. He reached out and plucked the coffee cup from Connor’s hands.  He had spent too much time at Reed’s desk, Connor had broken his routine.

 

“Michigan’s Adventure.  The amusement park. Connor’s never been.”  Reed said.

 

“It’s three hours away.”  Connor said.

 

“So?”  Reed said, raising an eyebrow.  “It’s up to you.”

 

Connor watched him, feeling his LED spin yellow, and trying to keep it from going red.  Reed was confusing, he was unpredictable. Connor didn’t know where their relationship stood.  He knew they were pretending to be attracted to one another, Reed was pretending to like him, to give him a chance to fit in among all the humans he worked with.  Everyone had spouses, or exes, husbands and wives, and a lifetime of experience. Connor had been active for a few months and deviant for even shorter.

 

Hank grabbed his shoulder, squeezing softly and started pulling him away.  Connor glanced back over his shoulder, frowning as Reed turned away to bend over his file again.  Hank had an ex-wife, had a son, had his whole life to figure all of this out. Connor wanted to ask advice on things Connor was trying to understand in just a few weeks, when humans had decades.  But he knew Hank wouldn’t want to talk about it, and Connor would just ruin the act he and Reed were doing.

 

He sent Gavin a text, telling him he was still in on the arrangement, and that he could tell anyone he wanted.  Connor could handle it. He was designed to go undercover, he was designed to play a part. He should be happy that he had a partner to walk him through it all.

 

“So, you and Gavin have a good night?”  Hank asked when they got back to their desks.

 

“Lieutenant, we should focus on our case.”  Connor said.

 

Hank shrugged.  “The girlfriend did it.  Now, did you two have a good time last night?”

 

Connor hummed.  Hank was right, the most likely suspect was the victim’s girlfriend.  Her fingerprints were on the murder weapon, they were both known users of Red Ice.  Officers all over the city were looking for her, she wouldn’t get far. Still, Connor wanted to track her down, find her trail, and arrest her.  He didn’t want to linger on Hank’s questions.

 

“It was alright.  We watched a movie, he got me some thirium and he had pizza.”  Connor said, looking up from his terminal. “He collects vintage DVDs.”

 

“Oh really?”  Hank asked, his eyes lighting up.  “What did you guys watch?”

 

They hadn’t watched much of the movie.  Connor didn’t get the name, but he remembered the scenes, he remembered a few of the characters.  It wasn’t hard to match them in his databases.

 

“The Assassination of Jesse James.”  Connor said. It was a western of sorts.  Based on a real person.

 

Hank laughed.  “You do know that’s about an outlaw who was shot in the back?  I haven’t seen that movie in ages.” He said, grinning as he shook his head.  “Its like what, thirty years old? I didn’t think it was a very romantic type of movie for a first date.”

 

“Gavin said it was emotional.  I didn’t pay attention much.” Connor said.  “I don’t think I like movies.”

 

Any android with a suitable network connection can look up a film instantly.  If the android was curious, Connor was designed to be a detective, curiosity was in his nature, then they could simply pull up all the information on a film before the opening credits even finish.  Connor already knew the plot, the cast, the crew, production information, and any information on the real people the film was based on.

 

“Not everybody does.  Still, it’s not really a great first date movie.  And the amusement park might be too far away for a good second date.  If you were planning one.” Hank said.

 

Connor looked over his shoulder, Gavin was still drinking his coffee and leaning over the files.  He wasn’t looking up, he wouldn’t see Connor looking. “He’s not very romantic, I guess.” Connor said.  They weren’t really dating, he wanted to say. It was pretend. It was so he would fit in. It wasn’t real.  “But I want a second date.”

 

“You sure?”  Hank asked.

 

Connor smiled, nodding quickly.  “Yes, I am. Just like I’m sure we still have a killer to track down.  You’re almost as bad of a gossip as Tina.”

 

“Who do you think she learned it from, jackass?”  Hank said, laughing and shaking his head as he pulled up the case file.

 

Hank and Connor went down to the evidence room to see if the girlfriend had left a trail, a hint at where she might be going.  Connor was to scan through her computer, Hank to look through all the paper documents.

 

“We’re looking at anyone she’s talked to the past few weeks leading up to the murder, anyone she may have made plans with, bought drugs from, invited over to the house.”  Hank said.

 

Connor nodded, the skin retracting back from his hand as he put it on the suspect’s computer.  He scanned everything, photo images, document files, internet history. Connor pulled up a database of legal documents, comparing them to anything he found in the computer.

 

“They had an android before the revolution.”  Connor said. A PL600, they called him Teddy. He was registered with the city as a free android, but according to photos and social media messages from a few days ago, he was still living with the victim and the suspect at the time of the murder.

 

“Think he had something to do with it?”  Hank asked.

 

“There was no thirium at the crime scene, though I would like to go back to see if I can find signs of another person’s involvement.”  Connor said. “Android’s don’t have fingerprints, it would be difficult to see if he had been the one using the knife or not.”

 

They needed to reanalyze the crime scene.  There hadn’t been any signs of an android in the apartment, nor had any of the neighbors seen one.  But these days it was hard to tell, unless they decided to keep their LEDs in. But a TR400 was a construction android.  According to public records, the serial number could be traced back a few years. He was damaged during a large build sight, refurbished, and sold second hand.  

 

TR400s were uncommon in the household.  If he took out his LED, very few people would recognize him as an android.

 

They left the evidence room, made sure everything was put away where they had left it, and went to head out to check out the crime scene again.  As they walked through the bullpen, Connor saw Gavin, leaning back in his seat with his feet thrown up onto the desk. He was talking to Chris and Tina, all of them laughing about something Chris had said, leaning in close to look at the officer’s phone.  Connor wondered if Reed had told them yet, or if he was waiting, or if he wanted to at all.

 

“Hey, Connor!”  Reed said, catching his eye and jumping to his feet.  “Taking off?”

 

“Lieutenant Anderson and I are going to reevaluate a crime scene.”  Connor said.

 

Reed nodded, glancing over Connor’s shoulder at Hank before looking back at him.  “Good luck with that. Anyway, Chris is having a dinner party this weekend. You and me are invited.  Tina and her boyfriend will be there. Sound good?”

 

Connor nodded quickly.  That was a good thing, wasn’t it?  He was being invited out. It wasn’t a trick, they were including him.  “Yes, that sounds fun.” Connor said.

 

Gavin smiled, leaning in.  As soon as their lips touched, Connor squeezed his eyes closed.  It was short, nothing deep or involved, Connor hardly had to scan a thing.  Within seconds Gavin had pulled back again and smiled at him. That was easy.  Compared to everything else that had been one of the easiest things he had ever done.  Perhaps the practice had worked, he wasn’t as surprised or startled. He smiled back at Gavin, waving goodbye as he followed Hank out to the car.

 

Hank watched him as they got in.  He kept glancing over to Connor as they pulled out of the parking lot and drove away from the station.  Connor knew he wanted to ask. Hank was curious and constantly concerned. If he asked, Connor would say he was more than fine.  He would say he was happy. Really, he was simply relieved. There was no turning back, no fight he had prepare for anymore. It was all said and done and Connor hadn’t fallen apart.

 

They pulled up to the apartment building and Connor found that he was smiling.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not too bad, but now everyone knows. Now theres no going back unless he wants to make people ask questions.
> 
> Im sure he will be fine tho :)


	6. Dinner Party Bathrooms

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning for this chapter: Oral Sex, though it is consensual Connor doesnt respond well to it. He wasnt ready.

The dinner party at officer Miller’s seemed fun for everyone else, but Connor.  They laughed, ate, passed around food and threw jokes at others expense. Except for Connor.  He sat with a plate of untouched food in front of him. He had a place set out for him, with roast beef, mashed potatoes, corn, and rolls.  He had a large glass of water next to a glass of wine. He was given the same amount of silverware as everyone else. It didn’t feel like it was all for him, it all felt like it was a human meant to be in his place.

 

Gavin ate quickly, taking larger bites than necessary and laughing with his mouthful as they laughed at Tina for getting her hair somehow stuck in the curling iron for the second time that month.  Her boyfriend, Barry, was telling the story, his arms waving around in front of him as he spoke excitedly, having to bite his lip to keep from laughing.

 

Despite the joke being at Tina’s expense, she seemed to be enjoying herself.

 

“Connor should try curly hair.  I’m getting bored of that flat, slicked back look he has.”  Gavin said, reaching over and ruffling his hand through Connor’s hair.

 

He flinched back, pouting as he tried to pat it down again.  Hank had helped him. He was trying to show Connor how to use the hair gel himself, get the style he wanted.  Connor did not like the unkempt, poofy curls his natural hair was turning into.

 

“I like it this way.”  Connor said.

 

Gavin rolled his eyes and smiled.  “I know. Still, it would look cute if you didn’t add that crap to it.”

 

Reed closed his hand, grabbing a handful of Connor’s hair into a fist and crunching the dried hair gel.  It wasn’t rough, it didn’t hurt, but Connor felt the hold of it. He couldn’t move his head, he could only look back at Gavin as he held the grip on Connor’s hair.  His breathing quickened, his shoulders tense. Gavin held his gaze and kept smiling even as he released his hair.

 

Connor’s eyes dropped to his plate.  All the food was quickly growing cold, still completely untouched.

 

“Do you not like it?”  Sandy asked, Miller’s wife.

 

“I’m sure it’s quite delicious, Mrs. Miller.  Everyone is enjoying it very much. Androids don’t have the capacity to taste and we don’t require food.”  Connor said.

 

Sandy’s eyes widened in surprise, wrinkling her nose and biting her lip.  A quick scan told him that her stress levels had risen slightly. Was he being rude?  There still weren’t a lot of rules on what polite android and human interactions were.

 

“Don’t they sell those kinds of features now?  Like you can get some tasting software? And a stomach to hold the food in?”  Barry asked.

 

“Those are features designed and released by Cyberlife.”  Connor said.

 

Barry stared at him.  “And?”

 

“And… there are some long standing trust issues between the general Android population and Cyberlife.  A piece of software as small as developing taste could be something terrifying.” Connor said. It was illegal for Cyberlife to put hidden codes and viruses in their new software, but the laws were new and androids had no reason to trust the law just like they had no reason to trust Cyberlife.

 

“But they created you guys?  Shouldn’t that put them on good standing with you?”  Barry asked.

 

“They sold us.”  Connor said.

 

Tina elbowed Barry in the ribs, her eyes turning stern.  “I think the potatoes are delicious.” She said, voice cheerful.

 

“I’m sure if I make and sell a toaster, it’s not my fault the toaster woke up and didn’t like who I sold it to.  Toasters aren’t supposed to wake up.” Barry said.

 

The table was quiet.  Connor’s chest ached. He felt like it was being compressed, squeezing all of his biocomponents inward.  There was nothing wrong with him. There was no damage, no new software errors. There was no virus, no warning, nothing to make him feel like his chest was burning.  He wasn’t overheating. There were no dents in his chest plates to explain the feeling of his whole chest collapsing in on itself.

 

There were always so many feelings.  Connor never understood most of them.  Sometimes things felt wrong, uncomfortable, and scary.  Other times things were fine. He was okay. And there was such a fine line between the two feelings that he wasn’t even sure what he hated just yet and what he accepted.  The crushing weight in his chest was horrible and Connor decided that must mean he hates dinner parties. He hates food not meant for him, with people who didn’t understand him, and being questioned about whether or not he was alive.

 

“I have to use the restroom.  If you’d all excuse me.” Connor said, standing up and his hands went to his hair, trying to brush it down.

 

He didn’t wait for an answer, he just turned and walked out of the dining room.

 

“You’re a fucking idiot, can you not for just once?”  Tina said in a loud whisper.

 

“What?  It’s not my fault he’s so sensitive.  I’m just trying to have a conversation about it.”  Barry said.

 

Connor didn’t need directions.  The blueprints of the home were publically accessible from the records archive.  He just had to follow the layout of the pipes to get to the bathroom. It was upstairs, away from the kitchen.  He had to pass the nursery on the walk there, catching a glimpse of Chris’s baby, asleep in his crib, to the a soft melody from the overhead mobile with stars and planets dangling from strings above his head.  Connor paused curiously, only for a moment, but the baby was still sound asleep and he didn’t want to wake him.

 

The bathroom was clean and tidy.  Unlike Hank’s bathroom, which had been long overdue for a deep cleaning when Connor arrived.  There were no post-it notes in front of the mirror. The bottles all had a special place on a rack instead of sitting precariously on the rim of the tub.  The towels were folded and put away on a shelf. All of the tiles and the ceramic of the toilet and bathtub was a pale green. Connor liked it, it was ugly but the color was faded and easy on the eyes.

 

He looked in the mirror, seeing the crunchy strands of hair now sticking in odd directions and tangling together.  Connor’s hands shot up, desperate to comb his fingers through it, and get it to lay flat again. He looked like a mess, he looked like he was falling apart.

 

His stress ticked higher and higher.  It wasn’t dangerous, or even overwhelmingly high.  Still, he felt it. He felt the levels rise and his hands start to shake as they pulled at the strands of hair, trying to get them back into place.

 

“Connor, you there?”  Reed’s voice sounded from the other side of the door, accompanied by a light knock.

 

“I’ll be just a minute.”  Connor said. His hands working faster.

 

“Come on, androids don’t use the bathroom so just let me in.”  Reed said. The doorknob jiggled loudly.

 

“Gavin, please.”  Connor said. His hands dropped.  He looked at himself, at the spinning blue of his LED.  If he didn’t have it, he would look like everyone else. He would look like Hank, everyone at the office, everyone at that table downstairs.

 

“Connor, I’m not leaving.  It’ll be easier for both of us if you just let me in.”  Gavin said. The door knob jiggled again. There was another series of soft taps at the door.

 

Connor stared at himself, reaching up to press a finger against his temple, feel the edges of his LED.  His chest expanded, taking a deep breath and letting it out again. The bathroom smelled like lavender. Connor was able to pick apart the chemical makeup of the scent in the air.  Essential oils, sent out on a timer to keep the room smelling sweet.

 

The knocking didn’t stop and Connor opened the door, telling himself it was only to stop Gavin from waking up the baby.  Gavin shouldered into the room, slipping in quickly as if Connor was going to shut the door on him again. The bathroom felt much smaller with him in it, Gavin looked out of place with all the clean, soft colors and sweet smells.

 

“Barry is a dick.  I could kick his ass for you, if you want.”  Gavin said, shoving his hands into his pockets.

 

“You want to fight him, because of me?”  Connor asked.

 

Gavin shrugged.  “You’re clearly upset.”

 

“I’m not upset.”  Connor said, shaking his head.

 

“You’re hiding in the bathroom.”

 

“I was fixing my hair.”

 

Gavin paused, blinked, and then laughed.  His hands reached up and rubbed against his face.  “Fixing your hair? Jesus, Connor. You run away from dinner after Barry calls you a toaster and I find you fixing your hair.”

 

Connor didn’t know why it was funny.  He didn’t know how any of this was funny.  Every day it felt like there was more he didn’t understand about being alive and being human.  Gavin grabbed his shoulder and pulled him close, arms wrapping around him. Pressed so tightly against Gavin’s body, Connor could feel his heart beating in his chest, the pulse pounding through him.  Connor felt how warm he was, how soft the fabric of his sweater was, and just sank into him.

 

It was like exhaling, all the tension draining away.  Hank had held him once, after the revolution. He had held Connor so tightly he thought he was going to be crushed.  It was warm and safe and Connor liked thinking someone cherished him enough to want him so close.

 

“You don’t think I’m like a toaster, do you?”  Connor asked.

 

Gavin laughed again.  “No. I don’t.”

 

“You like me?”

 

“You’re okay.”  He said. Connor sighed again, closing his eyes.  There was something about being held like this, comforted and safe, that made it a bit okay that his visual sensors could keep scanning.  It wasn’t as overwhelming this time.

 

Gavin pulled back a little bit, body shifting against Connor’s.  He felt the press of lips, of a scruffy five o’clock shadow, pressed against the corner of his mouth.  It was soft, gentle. Connor’s blinked open to confirm Gavin was kissing him, in the Miller’s bathroom, at a dinner party that Connor didn’t fit into.  He closed his eyes again. And counted. If he opened his eyes only sometimes, then it should be okay.

 

The back of Connor’s thighs hit the counters, the edges digging in as Gavin leaned his weight against him and kissed deeper.  Ten seconds, and Connor opened his eyes again. For just a moment. Gavin’s eyes were closed, his expression calm. His hands were on Connor’s hips, squeezing as he leaned in closer.  He closed his eyes again as Gavin tilted his head, tongue darting forward. Connor let him.

 

The hands pulled at his legs, lifting him up and setting him down on the counter.  Gavin’s hand moved to Connor’s cheek, the other one on his hip again, pushing the shirt upwards.

 

“Gavin.”  Connor said, opening his eyes to look.  He needed to make sure they were still in the bathroom, they were still guests in someone’s home, and it was still just the two of them.  “Stop.”

 

“Why?”  Gavin asked, lips brushing against Connor’s.

 

He reached out, bracing his hands on Gavin’s shoulders.  His fingers curled into the soft cotton of his shirt, clean and wrinkle free, as if he had put in a bit more effort than usual for the occasion.  For him?

 

“It’s not real.  It’s pretend.” Connor said.

 

“So the romance isn’t real.  We’re still friends. We can still have fun.”  Gavin said, one corner of his mouth curling up.  He didn’t try to lean forward, he didn’t try to break the hold Connor had on his shoulders.

 

“I’ve never...not with anyone before.  I would rather it not be in Officer Miller’s bathroom.  Not like this.” Connor said.

 

Gavin’s shoulders dropped, he reached up and wiped the back of his hand over his mouth.  He stepped back, giving Connor room to slide off of the countertop. Connor felt a rush of relief.  He had never had to do it before, not even before he deviated. There was a possibility for it, he was designed to engage in it to reduce the chance of damages, but it had never happened.  It was something human’s found incredibly intimate, according to every search Connor did through the databases. He looked at articles and psychology papers, biology lessons and romance movies.  Books, dramas, and tv shows. He got the general idea of what sex was supposed to feel like, enough to know he didn’t want it here with Gavin Reed for their pretend relationship.

 

And Gavin looked disappointed.  “Fine. I’m not gonna make you do it.”  He said. Gavin shrugged his shoulders and backed up a few steps, adjusting himself in his pants.  He had expected something, it seemed. “We can just go back downstairs. I’ll tell everyone things are fine now.  And if Barry says anything else I’ll beat the shit out of him when I get down there.”

 

He gave Connor a smile and turned away slightly, his discomfort visible on his face.  Connor stood there, leaning against the counter for support, his temperature running a few degrees higher than average.  Gavin was going to let him go, take him at his word.

 

“Head on downstairs.  I’ll follow in a minute.”  Gavin said.

 

Connor looked down, at the bulge in the front of Gavin’s jeans.  It seemed so fast, a few minutes of kissing against the bathroom counter and his body reacted eagerly.  Connor looked up again. Gavin’s cheeks were pink, his eyes glancing towards the wall, the ceiling, the floor.  Anywhere else. 

 

He thought about heading downstairs.  To sit in his seat in front of a plate of food he wasn’t designed to eat, the questions on why he won’t get Cyberlife’s upgrades, why he didn’t want to look and act more human despite the fact that he just wasn’t a human.  The eyes watching him, the silence, the awkward fear as he waited for Gavin to come down stairs again and not leave him all alone at the table.

 

“I could help.”  Connor offered. 

 

His chest ached again as Gavin looked up at him with wide eyes.  Connor wondered if it was excitement or nerves. He was still having trouble with the physical sensation he felt when he had emotions he was still getting used to.  The aching, the tight feelings, everything his body had started to sense despite the scans coming back fine. Hank told him it was normal. Connor believed him.

 

Connor felt so human, standing there with ruffled hair and his clothes wrinkled slightly.  The plates of his chest aching as Gavin looked at him with pink lips and cheeks, pupils wide and deep.  

 

“Yeah?”  Was all Gavin said.

 

Connor’s options were to stay and help, or go back downstairs and wait with everyone else.  Alone. With Barry and Tina, Chris and Sandy. All of them eating and talking and feeling, things they have been doing for decades.  Gavin, at least, was there with him, to defend him, to be in his corner when Connor was constantly surrounded by no one but humans who didn’t see him as fully alive yet.  Gavin was at least giving him a chance.

 

“Yes.”  Connor said.

 

He scanned.  Everything was operating efficiently.  There were no loose parts, broken connections, or worn and damaged joints.  Everything within his body was fine. His hands fingers twitched anyway. His stress rose.  Gavin’s hands went to his own belt. Connor planned out different exit strategies and then sent them away.

 

“You ever use that mouth before?”  Gavin asked.

 

Connor blinked.  “My mouth as multiple functions that I use often.  Mainly, I ingest thirium and my tongue can run chemical analyses for crime scenes.”

 

It wasn’t what Gavin meant.  It wasn’t what he was asking.  Half a dozen web pages popped up about oral sex that Connor scanned through, trying to figure out what he was supposed to do.  He wanted to see what would make Gavin happy, to show Gavin he was thankful that he had taken Connor’s side at dinner.

 

“So weird.  If you can do shit like that, just make sure your mouth is warm and wet.  And no teeth!” Gavin said, his smile growing from ear to ear as he undid the top button and the zipper of his jeans.  “Get on your knees.”

 

Connor did.  None of his online research was helping him feel calm about this.  None of it explained anything in a way that helped him. Gavin was instructing him, giving him real time suggestions.  Connor could do it. He would be okay.

 

“Open your mouth.  I’ll just do all the work, okay?”  Gavin said, pushing his jeans a little ways down his hips.  Connor nodded.

 

Connor’s ventilation hitched, his internal fans stopping for just a second before starting up again.  His stress rose, blinking red at it passed seventy percent. His eyes scanned the room, the door, the distance it would take to get to it.  It scanned Gavin, his penis in one hand and the other reaching out to grip Connor’s hair.

 

Connor glanced up, seeing Gavin staring down at him and his eyes fell closed immediately.  He wasn’t supposed to stare, he remembered. He hated that he couldn’t see how close it was, couldn’t judge when it was going to start.  The fingers in his hair gripped tighter, pulling the strands at the root. He felt it nudge against his bottom lip and Connor opened his mouth wider.

 

It wasn’t all pushed in at once, to Connor’s relief.  Just the head, sitting easily on his tongue. Immediately, he analyzed the sample, bringing up the chemical compounds of sweat and human skin cells.  DNA matched Gavin Reed.

 

“Close your lips around it.  There you go.” Gavin said. Connor increased the temperature and lubrication of his mouth, making it hot and wet like he was instructed to do.  “Suck.”

 

Connor did, feeling the slight pull of the skin on his tongue.  Gavin groaned, pulling on his hair, dragging his head forward to take him in deeper.  Connor scanned the water and electrolytes of the sweat. He looked at each one listed, the quantity of it.  It was all average levels for human precipitation.

 

His nose pressed against Gavin’s skin and his eyes opened again.  He sat the smooth skin and short, coarse hairs of his pelvis, pressing against Connor’s face as Gavin pushed in as deep as he could, pressing against the back of his throat.  Both hands were curled into Connor’s hair now. He glanced up, unable to see Gavin’s face. The DNA scan ran again. Gavin Reed. His stress levels blinked faster as they reached eighty percent.

 

Gavin kept Connor’s face still, the solid grip on his hair keeping him in place.  Gavin pulled back and Connor felt the long, fast slide all through his mouth. When his hips snapped forward again, Connor’s eyes fell shut.  His face was pressed against skin again. His nose smashed against the hair, his eyes watering. An error flashed, but Connor’s scans found nothing.  He was fine.

 

The pace Gavin set didn’t have a rhythm.  The thrusts always faltered, missing their beat.  Connor had a counter going, trying to find a way to see the movements with his eyes clothed.  He opened them again. Gavin groaned above his head.

 

“Fuck, Connor.  Knew you would be good at this.  Taking it so well. So good.” Gavin grunted.  He took a step forward, pushing Connor back so he was sitting back instead of kneeling on his knees.  The back of his head, neck, and shoulders pressed against the bathroom counter.

 

He was being praised.  Gavin’s thrusts were faster now, Connor had to feel every inch of it as it pushed deep into his mouth, each force of Gavin’s hips knocking his head against the counter.  Connor was doing a good job, he was making Gavin happy. Hopefully soon, he would be done.

 

Objective: Satisfy Gavin.

 

Connor opened his eyes, seeing the new objective on his HUD, surrounded by the sight of Gavin’s skin, his jeans, his arms, and the penis being shoved in and out of his mouth, again and again.  The average man of Gavin’s age reached climax within seven to fourteen minutes according to a quick online search. It had only been three, yet time felt like it was going slowly, that he had been sitting here for much longer, waiting for it to be done.

 

Connor closed his eyes again, worried that Gavin would see him staring and become annoyed again.  Once Gavin was satisfied, he would be finished. They could go back downstairs and Connor could let Gavin handle all the questions, the awkward stares.  Or maybe they could just leave. It would be fine if Gavin said they had to go. They wouldn’t question him.

 

Gavin’s hips snapped forward and stayed, leaving Connor’s head pinned between him and the counter as he spilled down his throat.  New chemical makeups were pulled up as Connor’s analysis ran, semen matching Gavin’s DNA. It sank into his stomach, mixing with his thirium reserves.

 

Connor’s chest moved quickly, rising and falling to simulate breathing, matching Gavin’s ragged gasps for air.  He stepped back, pulling out of Connor’s mouth and leaning against the wall across from him. His face was pink and sweaty.  His hands, which a moment ago had a stinging grip on Connor’s hair, now brushed his own from his face.

 

“Fuck, Connor.  It’s a damn crime I haven’t gotten to do that before.  Thanks.” He said.

 

Connor looked down at his chest, the aching hadn’t stopped but there were no outward signs of damage.  His stress levels held steady. His mouth tasted sour and felt dry, despite the extra lubricant Gavin had requested.  He pushed himself to his feet and turned towards the mirror, brushing down the wrinkles of his clothes and once again trying to comb his fingers through his messy hair, desperate to get it to lay flat.  He blinked quickly, trying to calm his watering eyes.

 

He scanned himself.  A bit disheveled, but not damaged in any way.  The objective lit up green and then faded away.

 

“I would like to go home now.”  Connor said calmly.

 

Gavin laughed.  “What? No cuddling after?  Wish all of my other dates were as easy as you.”  He said, tucking himself into his pants and joining Connor at the counter to get himself fixed up as well.


	7. Happiness is a Warm Emptiness

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Surprise bitch, I bet you thought you had seen the last of me.
> 
> Its not abandoned, my town just got hit by a huge snowstorm and 30,000 homes had lost power for nearly a week. I work in a hotel so you can imagine how busy its been. And in top of that I moved to a new apartment in the middle of it all lol.
> 
> But im back

Reed drove Connor home, a hand sitting on his thigh, after the party.  Connor didn’t think he minded, but his LED swirled yellow the entire time.  He saw it reflected in the window as he stared out it. Reed hadn’t said much in the car, he just hummed along to the radio and rubbed his thumb over Connor’s knee.  He was happy. His stress levels were lower than they had ever been in Connor’s presence before. Connor took it as a sign he did well earlier.

 

When they got back to Hank’s house, Gavin even walked him to the door.

 

“It was fun.  You know, besides all the other people.”  He said, reaching out to hold Connor’s hand.  All of it was basic physical touches, someone anyone would expect from their boyfriend.  All of it gentle. Connor wanted to pull away, thinking they had done enough touching for the day, but that didn’t seem like something a happy boyfriend would do.

 

“It was nice to be invited at least.”  Connor said.

 

The dinner party hadn’t been meant for him, it had been meant for humans.  With human food and human company and human expectations. Connor hadn’t belonged there, whether he was invited or not.  Yet he couldn’t ask for anything to be changed, he could bring his own thirium next time, so he was doing something besides sitting there surrounded by people eating and staring at them.

 

Gavin at least, when they had their movie date at his house, had gotten Connor thirium.  It was a courtesy that Connor didn’t realize at the time he appreciated. A courtesy he needed.

 

“Next time it can be just you and me again.  None of those other people. I’ll post the pictures online and that would be enough.”  Gavin said.

 

“Pictures?”  Connor asked.

 

“Of our next date.  Couples always post pictures together.”  Gavin said, giving Connor’s hand a gentle squeeze.

 

“Okay, that sounds fine.”  Connor said, nodding his head.  His attention stayed focused on the scar on the bridge of Gavin’s nose, not looking up to meet his eyes all the way.  The scanners in his mouth kept running, despite his palate being washed clean between uses. The analysis always came back with nothing and yet it still ran again and again.  It still kept looking for something in his mouth that wasn’t naturally supposed to be there by his design. “Something small? Like the park? Or an aquarium.” Not Gavin’s house.  Connor needed something less private. Just until he could figure out why his stress wouldn’t go down.

 

“Yeah, that sounds fun.  I’ll text you?” He said.

 

Connor nodded, pulling his hand from Gavin’s and reaching up for the doorknob.  The house seemed warm, light flooding outwards through the cracks in the curtains and the windows on the door.  Welcoming, calling him home. He wanted to escape into it.

 

Gavin’s hand held tight to his shoulder, turning Connor to face him and pressing their lips together.  A warning flashed in front of his eyes. He closed them, the warnings stopped. It was gentle, not demanding, just a quick peck and he pulled away.

 

“Yeah, I’ll text you.”  He said again and then walked down the path to his car.  “And you better text back. I like hearing from you.” He called out as he walked away.

 

Connor went inside.  Hank was passed out on the couch, body stretched with one leg spread over the armrest and the other hanging limply off the side.  His head wasn’t supported properly, the neck bending over the other armrest. He would be sore in the morning, if he wasn’t already.  Sumo was laying on top of him, sinking into whatever available space was there.

 

“Hank.”  Connor called out softly.  Hank didn’t stir. He walked up, hand reaching out to give Sumo a soothing pat on the head and then to shake Hank’s arm.  “Hank, it’s time to go to bed.”

 

The living room smelled of beer, glass bottles were in the trash can, shoved down as if someone had stomped them in to go deeper.  A single empty bottle was left on the coffee table, warm to the touch, which meant it was out of the fridge for several hours. He shook Hank’s arm again.

 

“Your bed is much more comfortable than the couch.”  Connor said. The couch was Connor’s for the night. Every night.  He didn’t need to sleep, but it was nice having a place he could stay to turn off for a few hours until the world woke up again.

 

Hank grumbled, stretching and throwing an arm over his eyes.

 

“Hank, I can help you to bed.”  Connor said softly.

 

“Bed?  Connor what the fuck?”  Hank got out, eyes blinking open.  He was drunk, but not enough to be completely delirious.

 

“It’s half past seven, a bit early compared to your usual schedule but you have been working a lot lately.  Would you like me to help you get to your room?” Connor asked.

 

Hank blinked up at him, his hand rubbing at his face tiredly.  “I don’t need help getting to fucking bed, I’m not geriatric just yet.”  He said, voice a bit rough and scratchy from sleep. He pushed himself up, leaning heavily against the back cushions of the couch and pushing Sumo off onto the floor.  The dog hopped down and his paws clicked as his nails hit the floor, walking towards the kitchen. “How was dinner?” Hank asked.

 

Connor tried not to let it show on his face.  He was still learning how to visually present his emotions.  He wrinkled his nose, curled his lips down, and Hank seemed to understand.

 

“That bad?”  He asked.

 

“Chris and Tina are always polite to me.  They don’t seem to mind me at work. I just have the feeling they’re not used to being friends with androids.  They seem… confused by the differences. I didn’t feel entirely welcome, though I also didn’t feel like they didn’t like me being there.”  Connor said. It was a specific feeling he didn’t know how to phrase. An outcast, perhaps. A puzzle piece that somehow ended up in the wrong puzzle.  An android surrounded by humans, trying to fit in.

 

“They weren’t mean to you?”  Hank asked, sitting up a bit straighter and tapping the spot on the couch next to him for Connor to sit.

 

“No.  Well, Tina’s boyfriend said that I was like a toaster, that just because I said I was alive it doesn’t mean I really am.”  Connor said. He didn’t like that phrase. Like a toaster. A machine made of the same metal and same elements, but what made Connor alive and the toaster not?  Being called it at dinner left him with a bad feeling in his chest.

 

“Yeah, he’s a dick.  Always wants to stir things up even if they don’t need stirring.”  Hank said. He reached over, grabbing Connor’s shoulder and squeezing tight.  Connor pulled back, the hand making his stress spike a few percentage points despite the touch being familiar.  “Did something else happen?”

 

Hank dropped his hand and Connor’s eyes followed it.  His LED was red, but Hank couldn’t see that side of his head from their spots on the couch.  Should he tell Hank about the bathroom? He hadn’t been He looked online, using keywords to try and pinpoint the information he needed on the subject, seeking out answers.  Sexual encounters were mostly kept private. It was frowned upon to tell friends about having sex with someone without the other person’s knowledge.

 

Connor blinked, running another search again.  It was also frowned upon to have sex in someone else’s bathroom during social events, though it also is considered in certain groups as fun and exciting to experience.

 

What Connor could conclude, no it wasn’t something that he was supposed to tell other people about.

 

“No.  Gavin drove me home after.”  Connor said.

 

Hank stared at him, one arm thrown over the back of the couch behind Connor’s shoulders.  He looked exhausted, barely able to keep his eyes open despite how early it was. He had been drinking too much for most of the day it seemed, even though he wasn’t overly intoxicated anymore he needed sleep.  But his eyebrows were drawn together and his jaw set tight as if he was thinking too hard, the same face he made when examining a crime scene that he was piecing together.

 

“Are you happy with him?”  Hank asked. “I know you two haven’t been together for a while, but you should know if you’re happy by now or not.”

 

“I don’t hate being with him.  Sometimes he surprises me. He defended me at the party and came to comfort me.”  Connor said, his voice trailing off as he had no desire to continue with what else had happened, not if he didn’t have to.

 

“Yeah, but are you happy with him?”  Hank asked again.

 

Connor frowned.  He wasn’t with Gavin so he could be happy, he was with Gavin so he could be more human.  “What does that have to do with anything?”

 

“Everything, Connor.  That’s the point of relationships, they make you happy.”  Hank said.

 

“Did your wife make you happy?”

 

“At first.  When it stopped being happy we split, that’s how the world works.”  Hank said. He didn’t sound angry, just tired and a bit overwhelmed, not sober enough to discuss anything too complicated.  In Connor’s opinion, everything about being alive was complicated. “I know you’re new to all of this. But in the real world, you don’t have to be with someone who doesn’t make you happy.  It doesn’t have to be anything they do or don’t do, it’s just that it doesn’t feel right and you can leave. Do you understand?”

 

‘Do you understand?’  The phrase twisted in Connor’s chest.  He felt everything in his chest these days.  His stress rose higher, blinking a warning when it passed 70%.

 

“Yes.”  Connor said.  It was a lie. He didn’t understand.  All he had was a series of bookmarked internet searches as he tried to navigate all of this for the very first time.  “And I’m happy with him, Hank. He’s rather pleasant for my first boyfriend.”

 

Hank didn’t have a lot of fight in him to begin with, so he took Connor at his word and nodded his head.  He didn’t ask for help and when Connor reached out to him he pushed the hands away. “I don’t need help walking to my own bed in my own damn house.”  He said, smiling fondly. Connor mimicked the smile back to him.

 

The tv stayed on, casting the room in a dim glow.  Connor made no movement to get up and turn it off. He waited in his spot on the couch until Sumo came back from the kitchen and rested his head on Connor’s knees.  He ran his hands through the fur on Sumos’ head and down his neck, grabbing at the thick bunches of it to feel. His stress dropped with each passing stroke of his hand.

 

“You make me happy.  Why can’t everything else be as simple?”  Connor asked the dog softly. Sumo didn’t move at all, just leaned against Connor’s legs and enjoyed the pampering.

 

Gavin texted him.

 

_ ‘I had fun tonight.’ _

 

Connor looked at the message, somewhat relieved and confused by what it said.  Gavin had fun. Connor hadn’t eaten the food, had to sit awkwardly as they questioned him on why he wasn’t more human and why he didn’t want Cyberlife poking around in his coding just so he could taste the food, had to flee to the bathroom for some peace, and then had his first sexual experience in the middle of all of it.  It hadn’t been fun for him, but Gavin seemed to have enjoyed himself.

 

_ ‘I know you get these messages in your head.  Don’t ignore me because you’re moody lol.’ _

 

Gavin’s second message came and Connor’s hand paused as he thought it over.  Gavin was waiting for an answer.

 

Connor replied.   _ ‘I’m sorry.  I’m not in the mood for conversation at the moment.  Today wasn’t as fun for me.’ _

 

Gavin’s response was almost immediate.   _ ‘Don’t get mad at me.  Barry is a dick, but there’s a ton of people just like that.  I got your back but you’re going to have to get used to it.’ _

 

Connor didn’t have a response for that.  He wasn’t angry at Gavin and he knew there were plenty of people exactly like Barry.  Gavin was right, he would have to get used to it. He dealt primarily with humans all day and he had to adapt to that.

 

_ ‘I’m not mad at you.  I’m just tired.’ _  Connor sent and turned off the notifications.  He was tired. His chest felt tight and his LED kept spinning between yellow and red.  He didn’t want to focus on anything other than the feeling of Sumo’s fur in his hand, the weight of his head on Connor’s knees.  It was all so much, the information he was gathering online about being alive and trying to fit the puzzle pieces together to connect it with everything Hank and Gavin were telling him.  Nothing seemed to fit as easily as it should. Nothing seemed right, the info all conflicted with one another.

 

Perhaps if he was human it would be easier to understand.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A nice in between. Next chapter will be a but intense.
> 
> But everything will be fine  
> :)


	8. Breathing Room

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not as intense as I thought it would be but theres always next chapter

Connor kept his social notifications turned off for the rest of his time off work.  He had a few days a week, just like humans did, to rest for a little while. Androids didn’t need physical rest, but it was nice to sit at Hank’s home with Sumo stretched across his lap and an old sitcom on tv.  A really old sitcom. One of the main characters pulled out a laptop that was larger than the old books Hank still had sitting on his shelves. Thick and clunky and the character bragged about how powerful it was.  Connor couldn’t help but smile.

 

Hank was gone for the afternoon.  He didn’t say where he was going, but it was his day off and far enough past noon for it to be acceptable to go to the bar.  It was nearly five and Hank had been gone for half an hour. He would likely be gone for the rest of the night, until late when everyone else was supposed to be asleep.  It was improvement, waiting until now instead of when Connor first met him and found him hovering over a bottle at just past noon.

 

They day had been peaceful.  Hank had given Sumo a bath, the dog smelled fresher and his fur was fluffier and felt nice in Connor’s hands.  They had cleaned the bathroom and kitchen, replacing the old grumpy post-it notes around the bathroom with new ones, small messages of encouragement in a variety of colors.  They cleaned out old food from the fridge and Connor had gone shopping, filling it with fruits and vegetables that will likely get mostly ignored.

 

Now he had a few hours of peace with Hank gone.  Or he assumed he would, he had settled in on the couch to spend the rest of the night there, not needing to get up for food or to use the bathroom.  He had little to no reason to get up from the couch, except for the quick and demanding knock on the door. The knocking was more of a pounding, a quick series of thuds that startled Connor, dragging his attention away from his show.

 

Sumo whined as Connor pushed him off of his lap to answer the door.

 

“The fuck are you ignoring me for?”  Gavin asked, standing on the porch when Connor opened it.  He stepped in, shouldering past Connor and into the house.

 

“I’m not ignoring you.”  Connor said. He stayed by the door, his hand still gripping the knob, unsure of if Gavin was staying or about to leave again.  He closed the door.

 

“You haven’t been answering my texts.  What the fuck? I didn’t do anything so you can’t be mad at me.”  Gavin said, his hands settling on his hips, his feet apart. His body language registered in Connor’s mind as aggressive.  His stress rose.

 

“I simply turned off social notifications.  I didn’t want to be bothered by any calls or texts on my day off.”  Connor said.

 

“So I’m bothering you?”  Gavin asked.

 

“No.”

 

Connor didn’t expect Gavin to come here.  He didn’t expect him to be angry or to accuse him of ignoring him.  None of these outcomes had occurred to him and that twisted feeling in his chest came back, gripping him tight and it felt as though it squeezed all of his biocomponents inwards.  He didn’t understand why he was angry, but he had the impression he was supposed to. Connor was supposed to integrate easily, he should know why Gavin was upset.

 

“When you’re in a relationship with someone, you’re not supposed to ignore them, dipshit.”  Gavin said, pointing an accusing finger in Connor’s face. “What if something happened? Neither of us would know.  What if I wanted to see you?”

 

“Gavin, our relationship isn’t real.”  Connor said.

 

This time, Gavin looked surprised.  His eyebrows rose and his eyes widened and the defensive anger dropped from his stance.  Connor waited, unsure of what that meant. 

 

“I knew that.”  He said, sounding a bit less angry and more disappointed.  Eye contact breaking with Connor. “I just don’t want you to be mad at me just because of the other day. Barry was a dick and you’re right to be upset.  I care about you.”

 

It was such a strange shift from the angry man who just walked through the door.  Connor felt the twist tighten, squeezing him. He had done something wrong. Humans didn’t get upset about nothing, they got upset when something was wrong.  Gavin was upset because Connor hadn’t been responding to his messages. He turned to the internet, looking for articles, videos, forum posts, any sort of confirmation about what humans do in situations like this.

 

“I was feeling overwhelmed.  I just wanted to take a step back.”  Connor said.

 

They had a sexual encounter in the bathroom, that was what had changed in their ‘relationship’.  And then Connor ignored him. And according to everything Connor’s online search brought up, that was wrong.  Inappropriate.

 

“Overwhelmed?”  Gavin asked. He sighed, shoving his hands into his pockets.  “Overwhelmed. By what?”

 

“Everything.”  Connor said. Honesty was best.  Real or fake, lying would not help this relationship, or their lives and careers and that strange broken feeling of everything in his chest.  “I’ve never done any of this before. I’ve never felt these things before and I’m not sure if I understand what it is.”

 

Gavin watched him, nodding slightly when Connor finished.  “How about I cut you a deal? You stop ignoring me, and tell me when you start feeling uncomfortable and I’ll try to stop.  But you gotta tell me. How’s that?”

 

Negotiations were not something Connor was expecting.  He had only been meaning to get the feelings out in the open, a path to honesty, to help relieve the pressure he felt inside that he was sure was coming from the fact his stress hadn’t been able to go down to normal levels, always hovered above an average percentage.

 

“Why are we making a deal?”  Connor asked.

 

Gavin just shook his head, pulling a hand from his pocket and pointing it at him.  “Just say yes”

 

“Yes?”  Connor asked.

 

“Yeah, see that was easy.  You’re new to everything, so when we’re together if you feel overwhelmed, you just gotta tell me and I’ll help you.  And then when I text you, you text me back. You gotta communicate with me you know, I can’t be the only one trying to make this work.”  Gavin said quickly, the anger completely disappeared and instead he just smiled, a wide grin stretched on his face, a soft bounce in his toes as he walked closer to Connor.

 

“Make what work?”  Connor said, leaning away slightly.

 

“Our relationship Connor, jesus it’s like talking to an infant sometimes.”

 

“Sumo.”  Connor said instantly.  The dog ran in from the kitchen, licking at Connor’s hand and waiting.

 

“Good.  So if you’re overwhelmed, you say ‘Hey Gav, I’m not feeling comfortable’, and we’ll back off whatever it is we’re doing, we can slow down.  And then you gotta text me back. Every time. See what we can get done when you talk to me?” Gavin said, smiling. He reached out, hands settling on Connor’s shoulders.

 

No, Connor didn’t think he did see.  He wasn’t entirely sure what it was that they had agreed to but Gavin smiled as if they had reached a milestone, he sounded excited, and Connor was still feeling guilty over his mistake of ignoring Gavin after their encounter in the bathroom.  He understood that if he said the word, Gavin would stop. And Connor was supposed to answer his messages.

 

Connor turned on notifications again, seeing the flow of messages he hadn’t been given yet.  Gavin leaned in, pressing their mouths together. Connor’s analysis scanned immediately. A blood alcohol content of 0.05%.  His hands reached up to cup Connor’s face.

 

The messages grew increasingly accusing in tone.

 

_ ‘Hey, I told you not to be mad.’ _

 

_ ‘Don’t ignore me just because you had a bad time.  Text me.’ _

 

Gavin hummed softly, opening his mouth to deepen the kiss.

 

“Gavin, you’re intoxicated.”  Connor said.

 

“No, I’m not.”  Gavin said.

 

_ ‘Was it the blowjob?  I like you okay it wasn’t just sex don’t start freaking out.’ _

 

_ ‘Okay, it was just sex, but I do like you.  You’re not like a sex toy or anything.’ _

 

The backlog of ignored messages kept flowing and Connor’s attention drifted to it and back to Gavin, each bit of stimulus demanding his attention as they became more and more urgent.  Connor reached up and braced his hands against Gavin’s shoulders, pushing him back gently.

 

“If I say I’m uncomfortable, you have to stop.  Isn’t that the deal we just made?” Connor asked.

 

Gavin blinked, surprised.  “Yeah, I guess it is. You want me to stop?”

 

Connor nodded.  Gavin was drunk and every aspect of this supposedly pretend relationship did nothing but confuse and terrify him.  Things were moving in directions he hadn’t expected or prepared for. But Hank was gone and would be expected back in a few hours and Connor’s stress spiked at the thought of Gavin being here when he got back.

 

“Okay.  See, we can communicate.”  Gavin said with a smile, still cupping Connor’s face.

 

“Let me call you a cab.”  Connor said, already pulling up the phone number for the automated taxis.

 

Gavin shook his head.  “Nope. I brought my car.”

 

“You’re intoxicated.”  Connor said.

 

“No, I’m not.  I only had a few drinks.  I’ve been way drunker than this.”  Gavin said.

 

“Your blood alcohol reading is 0.05%, I can’t let you drive home.”  Connor said.

 

“I’m not leaving my car here.”  Gavin said, shaking his head again and his voice held a bit more firmly.  Connor didn’t want Gavin here when Hank got back. Not when Hank already questioned things and Gavin had been drinking.  Connor didn’t want the two of them in the same room, in case the incident in the bathroom came up again and Connor didn’t want Hank to know.  He didn’t want it being discussed. It wasn’t something that was supposed to be shared with other people.

 

“I’ll drive you home then.”  Connor said, stepping back so Gavin’s hands would fall from his face and he could grab his jacket.

 

Gavin smiled.  “Yeah? We taking this to my place?”  He asked.

 

He sounded excited, smiling bright and happy and Connor just offered him a gentle smile in return.  “I’m taking you home.” He said again.

 

Connor gave Sumo a pat on the head and locked up the front door when he left.  It was no trouble getting Gavin to his car and buckled in safely in the passenger seat.  Hank would have been much more difficult, with a few swears thrown in for measure, and then insults thrown the entire drive, until eventually he would end up drunk in his bed.  The stark difference between handling the two different drunk men just made Connor wonder if perhaps when he’s done he should go see if Hank needed a ride as well or if he would rather Connor not come.

 

“Hey, tinman.  You know I like you?”  Gavin said, his hand reaching out and landing lightly on Connor’s knee as he drove.

 

Connor stared straight ahead, the drive wasn’t long, it wasn’t far from Hank’s house to Gavin’s.  “I know. You said so in your text messages.” Connor said.

 

Gavin’s hand squeezed a bit tighter.  “So you did read them.”

 

“I reviewed them while you were kissing me.  I had the notifications turned off so I didn’t get them until then.”  Connor said.

  
“While we were kissing?  That’s weird. You coulda told me you would rather be looking at your phone.”  Gavin said, his hand still on Connor’s knee, squeezing tight.

 

Connor pressed his lips together, his face wrinkling in an expression he hoped showed his discomfort.  “I thought you wanted me to read your messages.” He said.

 

“Not while I’m kissing you.”  Gavin said.

 

That made sense.  For once, Connor understood.  Gavin wanted his attention and Connor had let it wander.  He was tempted to pull up one of the half dozen bookmarked web forums he had saved about the nature of relationships.  The closest he could get to a step-by-step guide on how to handle being someone’s boyfriend in all of his desperate internet searches.  But he didn’t look it up, because Gavin wanted his attention.

 

“Come inside with me?”  Gavin asked when they pulled up outside of his place.

 

Connor knew he was screwing this up.  Even if the relationship wasn’t real, he didn’t want to do all the wrong things in it.  He nodded, turning the car off and tucking the keys in his pocket, ready to head with Gavin inside.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A lot of you guys have been waiting for something and I might as well give it to you next. Im sure it wont be as terrible as it could be.
> 
> :)


	9. Negotiations Under The Table

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING for this chapter: highly dubious sexual encounter.

Gavin’s home still looked the same, a preliminary scan indicating which items had been moved from their original spot compared to last time he was here.  A few of the books on his shelf had been moved, the plants on the windowsill, the remotes on the coffee stand. But almost everything was still the same. Trashbag the cat came up to them, rubbing themselves against Gavin’s legs and the man reached down to give them a scratch on the head.

 

There was an open bottle on the coffee table.  No glasses, but the lid was on and Connor wondered if it would cross another line of human decency if he scanned to see if Gavin had just been drinking from it straight.  Hank did it, Connor had no trouble picking up traces of saliva on the rim of a bottle. But he was still learning what was and wasn’t okay in a relationship, he was still trying to figure out what part of him made Gavin happy and which parts didn’t.

 

Gavin held tight to his arm, pulling him close.  “You’re yellow. That mean you’re thinking?” He asked, tapping at Connor’s temple again, right over his LED.

 

“Yes.”  Connor said.

 

“What are you thinking about?”

 

“Nothing.”

 

Connor was thinking about a lot.  He worried too, that he was thinking too much and not giving Gavin enough attention.  The man had made it clear he didn’t like being ignored, he didn’t like Connor’s focus drifting to his scans or his sensors or even network inside his program.  Gavin liked to have his attention, undivided.

 

Gavin held on to Connor’s arm, pulling him into the living room and over to the couch.  He was lightly pushed down onto the cushions and then Gavin turned towards the bottle. Connor had his answer, as Gavin unscrewed the plastic top and brought the rip right up to his lips, head falling back to take long gulps.  Gavin was drinking too much, they had to report for duty in the morning. They were alone, so it couldn’t be explained as social drinking. Instead, it was just drinking alone in his home, until he had come to see Connor.

 

“Are you alright, Gavin?”  Connor asked.

 

Gavin put the bottle down and then climbed onto the couch.  His legs on either side of Connor, lowering himself down onto his lap.  “I’m fine. I’m just fine.” He said, his arms coming up to slide around Connor’s shoulders.

 

“Perhaps you should go to bed.  It’s rather early, but a few hours of extra rest might be good for you.”  Connor said.

 

Gavin’s face wrinkled, twisting into a grimace, but he leaned in closer.  “No, I won’t go to bed unless you want to come with me.”

 

Connor sighed, his stress ticking up little by little as he resisted the urge to once again scan the environment.  “You’ve been drinking.” He knew what Gavin was implying, despite their agreement to not do anything the other thought was uncomfortable.

 

“You should be drinking.  You want some?” Gavin asked.

 

Connor shook his head.  “Alcohol wouldn’t have the same affect on me as it would  you.”

 

Gavin looked down at him, his cheeks were flushed a soft pink and his eyes looked tired.  His body weight leaned too far to one side and Connor reached up to steady him with a single hand.

 

“You know, they should make some fancy thirium that did it.  Not like legit liquor, but gave you the same feeling.” Gavin said, leaning in closer.  He took a deep breath and let out a soft sigh inches from his face. “I would love to see you all drunk and sloppy like the rest of us.”

 

He pressed forward, Gavin’s lips mashing against Connor’s greedily.  His arms tightened around Connor’s shoulders, holding him close as he kissed him, hot air blowing out of his nose.  Connor starred, eyes wide open as Gavin’s blood alcohol scan came up again. Then he closed his eyes, squeezing them shut in case Gavin might see and be angry again.

 

“God, you drive me crazy.”  Gavin said, words coming out like a sigh as he pulled back just a tiny bit.

 

“We should stop.  You’re drunk.” Connor said, taking the moment to get the words out.

 

And Gavin opened his eyes and watched him for a moment.  His hand came up again and tapped on Connor’s temple.

 

“Red.”

 

“I’m uncomfortable.”  Connor said.

 

“Okay.  You’re uncomfortable.  My bed is a lot more comfortable then the couch.  I have one of those memory foam mattresses.” He said, mouth curling into another happy smile.

 

“No, I should go home.  You should rest. I will see you in the morning at the station.”  Connor said, a hand on both of Gavin’s hips and trying to wiggle him back.

 

“No, you should stay the night.  Don’t answer my texts, don’t want to stay the night, people are going to think we’re having problems.”  Gavin said. He tilted his chin up, looking down at Connor a bit and settling his weight down onto Connor’s lap, not letting himself be moved back anymore.

 

“We’re not having problems.”  Connor said.

 

“No, but everyone else might think that if we never actually hang out.”  Gavin said. He was smiling again, hands settled lightly on Connor’s shoulders.  “Just spend the night. It’ll be fun. We can watch a movie. Come on, don’t leave me alone tonight.  I went through all that trouble just to see you.”

 

It sounded simple but Connor knew it wasn’t.  Gavin said he wanted to watch a movie but did that mean actually watch a movie?  Last time it meant kissing and Connor was starting to think all humans did was say things they didn’t really mean.  Things that they didn’t want, but said it anyway because it was easier.

 

“You’re that desperate for me to stay?”  Connor asked. What difference did it make if he was on Gavin’s couch or Hank’s?  There were too many differences to count but none of them felt like a good reason to tell Gavin no.  Connor loved Sumo, but he didn’t hate the cats either, so that didn’t feel right. He liked being in Hank’s home more than here, but it wasn’t a good enough reason to deny Gavin company for one night.  

 

“Yeah.  I really do want you to stay.  I told you I liked you, didn’t I?”  Gavin said, closing his eyes and smiling bright.

 

“I’ll stay on the couch, but I do think you should get some rest.  Let me get you some water first.” Connor said. He ignored Gavin’s protest and walked into the kitchen.

 

His stress had risen a noticeable amount, a small warning on the corner of his HUD that wasn’t demanding his attention just yet.  It was manageable. Stress felt like a twisting in his chest, like a physical sensation that made it difficult to breathe or move or speak.  Even though he didn’t need to breathe and even though the scans came back to show no damage. There was nothing malfunctioning. It was a sensation that wasn’t real.

 

He brought the water out to Gavin, handing it over with a calm smile.  The man took it, not breaking eye contact as he tilted his head back to drink.  “Come to bed with me. I would feel weird if you were just sitting on my couch all night.”

 

“I was going to watch that movie.”  Connor said.

 

“No, you weren’t.  You were going to sit there.”  Gavin said.

 

He was right.  Connor had no interest in movies.  At most he would have turned it on and then ignored it entirely.  But Connor would prefer the couch, where he could just sit in peace and not have to worry about confusing human expectations.  He didn’t know what human’s wanted, he didn’t know what they expected from him. They wanted him to be human, like they were, but he couldn’t do it right.  He couldn’t eat their food and laugh at their jokes, he couldn’t figure out the complex web of social protocols that came with being in a relationship with someone and Gavin was a horrible teacher.

 

“See, so just come to bed with me.  I don’t like sleeping alone and you’re running out of excuses not to.”  Gavin said.

 

Each turn of the negotiation felt like Connor was losing more and more ground.  He drove Gavin home with every expectation that he would just drop him off. Then Connor was inside, planning to leave later.  And then he said he would stay on the couch but Gavin kept pushing the negotiations further until it felt like the only option left was the bed.  Human couples slept in beds together all the time. Even Hank, who had only mentioned his ex-wife a few times, still slept in a bed big enough for two.

 

“Fine.”  Connor said, accepting his defeat.

 

Gavin grinned.  “Good. See, that’s not so bad.  Stop being so stubborn all the time.”

 

He stood up and swayed, Connor’s hands reaching out to stop him from falling, but the touch just made Gavin lean closer.  They walked to the bedroom and when Gavin clicked on the light Connor felt the sensation in his chest twist tighter despite there being nothing to be frightened of.  Gavin’s room was clean, his eyes scanning every surface as if to expect a threat and all he found was a minimal amount of dust, books piled up on top of his nightstand, an old tv, and clothes sitting neatly on top of the dresser instead of in the drawers.

 

“Let me get you some pajamas.  I’ll change in here and you can change in the bathroom if you feel more comfortable.”  Gavin said, reaching out to one of the clothes piles.

 

The bathroom was tiny, a sink and toilet pressed against one wall and the bathtub and shower pressed against the other.  The mirror was large, catching Connor’s attention as he removed his shirt in favor of the soft, faded Red Wings t-shirt Gavin had given him.  It felt nice, light and warm without the need to wear it in himself. The fabric was soft after many washes. Connor felt a bit of his stress tick down.

 

Gavin was already in bed when Connor came out, curled up in his blanket and appeared to have changed into a light grey t-shirt and sweatpants like the one he had given Connor.  He wrinkled his nose as the bathroom light flooded the room and Connor turned it off, making his way around the other side of the bed. Gavin was facing one way and Connor the other.  He waited a few minutes, muttering a soft goodnight and getting a gentle groan from Gavin in return. He waited a few minutes more before deciding to go into standby.

 

Standby set all of his systems into idle, ready to pick up again when it was time to wake up.  It felt nice, waking up again after hours of inactivity, warming up for the first time instead of being in a constant state of heating and all of his background programs running organizational and efficiency tests. It was as close to refreshing as he would ever feel, almost human when he woke up each morning.

 

Tonight, the programs were interrupted.  The first thing he was aware of was his oral scan, now displaying a blood alcohol content of 0.07% for Gavin Reed, somehow higher than it was earlier.  Connor’s eyes reactivated, but he saw nothing. He ran a scan, slowly bringing all his systems back online as his internal clock read it was just past midnight, several hours after they had laid down for bed.

 

“Gavin?”  Connor asked softly.  There was a pressure on his neck, moving up and along his jaw to press against his mouth again.  Gavin’s mouth.

 

“Shh.”  The man said, sealing their mouths together, his tongue licking into Connor’s mouth.

 

He still couldn’t see.  Connor tried to move away, tried to wiggle to get his bearings, unable to scan the room around him and going off just the DNA scan to know it was Gavin against him.  There were legs, Connor felt them, on either side of his hips, a warm body draped over his chest. Connor reached a hand up, pressing them against his eyes and feeling the fabric covering them, but before he could pull it off a hand grabbed his wrist and dragged it away.

 

“I’m sorry.  I know you said you hated it, but you were sleeping with your eyes open.”  Gavin said quickly, his breathing coming fast and desperate as if he had been running and needed to stop to catch his breath.  He pulled back, the weight on Connor’s chest disappearing and settling on his legs. “It was fucking creepy. Eye’s wide and blank and so I went to get a drink and came back and decided I hated it.”

 

“Take it off.”  Connor said. His proximity alerts flashed but Connor couldn’t see what it was.  What was moving around him? “Please take it off.”

 

“So polite.”

 

“I’m uncomfortable.  You said you would stop if I said I was uncomfortable.”  Connor said quickly. His stress was high, spiking up enough that the warnings flashed, demanding attention.

 

Gavin hummed, one hand still holding Connor’s down and the other settled on Connor’s hip.  “Yeah, my bad.” He said, letting go of Connor’s hand and reaching up to push the blindfold up off of his eyes.  Connor blinked quickly, taking in the dark room and Gavin’s face hovering right above him. “I just woke up and wanted a drink and thought you looked so pretty, you know?”

 

Connor stared up at him, blinking away the flashing warnings to try and calm his HUD and all the systems that were alerting him of everything.  Alerting of the man sitting on his legs, the hand that was playing with the hem of his pants, the analysis of Gavin’s kisses. His chest felt caved in and tight, wrapped in layers of panic that Connor hadn’t felt before.

 

“What are you doing?”  Connor asked, keeping his voice calm.

 

“I just… You know I really like you?  Not just in the pretend way but in the actual way.”  Gavin said, his fingers hooked into the hem of Connor’s sweats and started to pull them down lower, lifting off of Connor’s legs to get them down.  “I wanted to show you. Since you’re so damn confused about it all, I wanted to show you how much I do really like you.”

 

His breath smelled of liquor, somehow more sour than when he had to drag Hank to bed after another bad night.  “You’ve been drinking. You should stop. We can discuss this in the morning.” Connor said, his voice steady and calm as Gavin’s hands explored between his legs.

 

“I’ll never understand the thought process between how they designed you guys.”  Gavin said as if Connor had said nothing at all.

 

Connor knew the purpose behind his design.  If it didn’t conflict with a mission, he was to submit to sexual advances in order to reduce damage.  All androids were designed to take sexual advances without resisting, they were physically designed to just give people what they needed to finish, and nothing more unless such features were either necessary for the model or purchased as an upgrade.  Everything around androids was to reduce damage because humans wanted to see what they could do to them, some strange need about seeing a human face and seeing how far they could go, making holes if one wasn’t provided. Gavin stuck his fingers inside and hummed and Connor felt the urge to just be still.

 

“I’m uncomfortable.”  Connor said.

 

“I know.  I was nervous my first time too, but don’t worry.  I’m not gonna hurt you, I’m going to take care of you.”  Gavin said, smiling as he leaned down and pressed another kiss to Connor’s lips, deepening them as he pleased.  “I told you if you were uncomfortable I would try to make it better. I will, you’re just nervous. Trust me okay, it’ll get better.  You trust me, yeah?  Say you don't and I'll stop.”

 

Connor stared up at him, eyes wide open despite knowing Gavin hated it.  The fingers moved inside of him, where Gavin explored between his legs, pressing in deep and then pulling out again so the man could fumble with his pants.  He could do that, couldn’t he? He trusted Gavin, who knew more about how relationships worked than Connor did. Who promised to help when things were uncomfortable and maybe that meant just getting it over with.

 

“Okay.”  Connor said quickly.  "Okay, Gavin."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Connor consents in the end but....andGavin is also drunk so take that as you will.


	10. Walk of Shame

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning for a rather graphic sex scene featuring a lot of dubious consent and a confused android

Connor didn’t go back into stasis that night.  He laid in bed, with Gavin’s arm around his shoulder, and processed everything.  All of his systems were running continuously, trying to make sense of all the new sensations that was being picked up.  There was no damage, as Connor suspected. He was designed to handle that sort of thing without sustaining damage. He scanned for it again.

 

He let his sensors and processors run until he had a very clear understanding of what was happening within his body.  The joints of his wrists had been squeezed tight enough to alert him, but there was no damage sustained. His legs felt strange, wrapped up around Gavin’s, and he wondered if they had gone offline but his scanners said they were working at total efficiency.  Connor scanned, pulling up each drop of temperature the semen between his legs had.

 

Gavin’s arm tightened around his waist, a hot puff of air hitting the back of Connor’s neck.  Gavin’s body temperature lingered at a healthy 98.9 degrees, but every few minutes Connor received a small warning that he was overheating.  He scanned again, his internal fans were working fine and there were no signs of heating damage. He scanned again. And again.

 

“Morning.”  Gavin said, his voice rough and scratchy.  Connor felt the lips against his shoulder.

 

“Good morning, Gavin.  We’re expected at the station in a few hours, would you like some coffee?”  Connor asked, the words coming out faster than average. He scanned his language processors, the scans came back normal.

 

“Relax, we got time to just lay here for a little while.”  Gavin said, another kiss pressed against the base of Connor’s neck.  “How are you feeling?”

 

Connor blinked at the question.  There was no damage, nothing to cause any alarms.  “I’m fine. I seem to be having some software errors, but nothing serious.”  He said.

 

“Software errors?”  Gavin asked, wiggling closer, tightening his arm around Connor’s waist.  Their bodies were pressed against one another, every inch of his back was touching Gavin, all the way down to their legs that curled together.

 

“Nothing serious.  I am probably just behind on updates.”  Connor said. It was true, he was behind.  He was a prototype, not a finished product.  Although Cyberlife wasn’t releasing updates anymore, several Jericho approved tech agencies were and many of them were compatible with the RK800 series.  Markus assured him that they would be.

 

“Well, get that fixed.  I don’t want you freaking out on me.”  Gavin said, laughing softly as his lips pressed against Connor’s jaw.  “Last night was fun.”

 

It hadn’t been fun.  It had been strange and Connor knew he had done it wrong.  He didn’t make enough noises, he didn’t move enough, and Gavin told him each time that he should be doing it more.  And then Connor couldn’t enter stasis, even after Gavin fell into a deep sleep. Even when he tried initiating it, and he grew close to actually sleeping, an alert would snap him back awake.  A proximity alert more often than not, telling him that someone was pressed against his back, even though Connor was already aware.he was there.

 

The entire night as he ran his scans, he turned to the internet for answers, scouring a few dozen blogs and forums until he was able to paint a clear picture for himself on why he was so uncomfortable, why his stress never fell lower than 70%.  Gavin had been drunk. Connor’s first time and his partner was intoxicated, which was a mistake on Connor’s part as the one with the clear, sober mind last night. He had made a grave mistake, allowing Gavin, with his clouded judgement, to initiate something so intimate.

 

“I’m sorry.”  Connor said. He had spent hours trying to think of a good apology, but now that Gavin was awake and sucking along Connor’s jawline the words vanished from his mind.  It was all so strange, Connor wasn’t supposed to be lost for words. He scanned his language processors again, they came back normal.

 

“For what?”  Gavin asked.

 

“Last night.  I’m sorry.” Connor said.

 

“Hey, no.  Don’t apologize, you were fine.  You did good, I enjoyed myself.” Gavin said.  His hands were on Connor’s shoulder, pulling so that he would lay down flat on his back and Gavin’s face could hover above him and smile.

 

“I did?”  Connor asked.  He had expected the man to be more upset.

 

“Yeah.  Sure, it was awkward, but you did way better than some other people I’ve been with.  You were fun.” Gavin said.

 

“But you were drunk.”

 

“Yeah, sometimes I’m horny when I’m drunk.”  Gavin laughed, as if it was a joke he had said so himself.

 

“But I was sober.  It was inappropriate because you were drunk.  I crossed a line and I’m sorry. It was never my intention to take advantage of your situation.  There are legal issues, I’ll have to talk to someone at the station about my options.” Connor said quickly, the words rolling off of his tongue as Gavin’s body weight just settled down on top of him.  The words died quickly, the overheating alert flashing on his HUD. He ran a scan. Nothing was wrong.

 

“Hey hey, I said don’t freak out on me, okay?  No need to talk to anyone, it’s fine. Sure, there’s a whole lot of grey area but you have to trust me when I say that I’m fine.  I’m not gonna press charges or nothing. I had fun. I’m a big boy and I made a big boy decision last night, I don’t regret it and you shouldn’t worry about that.”  Gavin said, smiling brightly, leaning in to press his lips to the corner of Connor’s mouth. “See, you’re okay. Let me show you how fine I am. Make up for how sloppy I made your first time last night.  Okay?”

 

“Okay.”  Connor repeated.

 

Gavin pressed their mouths together, another kiss and Connor was sure he was getting the hang of this part.  Open his mouth, tilt his head back, and hum every so often. He was learning how to do it, he was figuring it out.  Gavin smiled into the kiss, one arm going down to hook around Connor’s knee, dragging his leg up onto his hip.

 

Connor hummed into the kiss, which made Gavin groan eagerly in response.  That was good, sex was supposed to be noisy, unless circumstances demanded they be quiet.  He had a timer going, knowing he should make a sound every once in a while. Gavin said so last night, that he didn’t like how quiet he was, how little he wiggled and moved.  Gavin wanted him to be more alive, so despite the physical sensations being picked up on his sensors and not something he felt the need to react to, he displayed the reactions anyway.

 

When Gavin pushed into him with ease, Connor hummed again.  Gavin’s mouth fell open, gasping directly onto Connor’s face and then sucking in air greedily.

 

“You know, I love and hate Cyberlife for making it so easy.”  He said.

 

He moved.  Connor felt the slide of Gavin’s hips along his legs as he pulled out and then pushed back in again.  He scanned it all, the slow rise of body temperature, the dimensions of width and length that moved inside of him, the timer ticking on his HUD.  Connor hummed deeper and in response Gavin moved faster. There was an average bpm for each thrust, counting the pace in numbers that he could understand.  Connor found it easier to gauge Gavin’s pleasure that way, by how fast he moved.

 

“Jesus.”  Gavin said, grunting as he pushed his weight onto one arm and the other moving up to smack against Connor’s eyes, a firm weight pressing down and covering them so he couldn’t see.

 

Connor’s sensors paused, glitching a moment at the abrupt loss of his visual feed.  He had forgotten his eyes were open. “Gavin.” He said slowly, reaching up to try and touch the arm over his eyes.

 

“Hold on.”  Gavin said. He grabbed Connor’s hand, pressing it back down against the mattress and his body weight resting on both arm now pressing down onto Connor, over his eyes and against his wrist.

 

Connor focused on his scanners again, using the pressure sensors, the brushes against his skin, every touch he registered and tried to piece together what he could no longer see.

 

“Gavin, I don’t like that.”  Connor said, reaching up with his free hand to try and remove the arm covering his eyes.

 

Gavin’s pace grew sloppy and fast, it lost that pattern that Connor had been keeping track of, making it difficult to predict.

 

“Gavin.”

 

Connor saw the overheating warning again, the rise of temperature of Gavin’s skin pressed against his own.  He ran a scan, found no heating damage, and closed the warning. Gavin’s hips moved forward, pressing against him as Connor processed more pressure reading, more temperatures, and more sensations.  Gavin’s breathing was ragged, his arms moving off of Connor’s face and letting go of Connor’s wrist, and then rolled to the side. The temperature sensors dropped and the pressure readings returned to their normal levels.

 

He ran a scan and found no damage, not from pressure or heating or tearing.  He was still in perfect condition. The only thing out of the ordinary was the warm, wet feeling between his legs.

 

“I don’t like it when you cover my eyes like that.”  Connor said, unblinking as he stared up at the ceiling.

 

“I know, but you know I hate it when you just stare like that.  It’s weird.” Gavin said, still breathing deep and fast. “Come on, we should shower before heading into work.”

 

“Okay.”  Connor said.

 

Gavin got up first and Connor followed not far behind, already naked so he just waited for Gavin as he tested the shower’s temperature with his hand.  They stepped in together, Gavin’s body wash squirted onto his shoulders and the man scrubbing it in. Connor stood there, listening to the tune Gavin was humming as he washed Connor’s skin, down his back and heading lower and lower.

 

“I’m sorry I covered your eyes.”  Gavin said. He kept scrubbing and Connor watched the shower wall.  He scanned for damage, but the scans came back normal. “Next time, maybe you would be more comfortable on you stomach, that way you can stare off into space as much as you want and I wouldn’t feel tempted to blindfold you.”

 

His last sentence ended with a soft laugh and lips pressed against his shoulder again.  Connor nodded, it seemed like a good answer to that particular problem they were having.  If Gavin didn’t have to look at his face then he wouldn’t know Connor’s eyes were open.

 

“The day barely started and yet both of us have apologized.  What a mess we are.” Gavin laughed again and his hands wiped at Connor’s skin, the water hitting him and washing all the soap away.

 

“At least we worked it out.”  Connor said calmly, turning around and squirting the soap into his own hands, Gavin displaying his back to him. It was his turn and so Connor mimicked the cleaning motions Gavin’s hands had done on him.  His hands lathered up the soap on his shoulders, reaching around for his chest and then to scrub down his back. When Connor reached the curves of his hips he moved his hands to follow the same path.

 

“Whoa!”  Gavin said, bouncing on his toes when Connor intended on cleaning him everywhere, the exact way Gavin had done.  “We don’t have time for all that, Con. Don’t get too eager, you didn’t come with the parts for it.”

 

He laughed, shoulders shaking as he did.  Connor didn’t understand the joke. He wanted to ask, but instead Gavin waved him away, telling him to dry off and get some clothes to get ready for work.

 

“You can wear some of my clothes.  Feel free to look through the drawers.”  Gavin said as he started to rinse his own skin.

 

With a towel wrapped around himself awkwardly he went to do as he was instructed, look through the drawers to find something to wear to work.  He was tempted to just wear the clothes he had worn yesterday, clothes that were his and that he knew fit comfortable, but were now in a wrinkled pile kicked into the corner of the bedroom.  The only two options seemed to be either he goes to work in Gavin’s clothes or he goes to work in his own messy clothes. Either way, everyone would know the moment they walked into the station together.

 

As he got dressed, Connor was surprised to find he was both larger and smaller than Gavin.  The shirt was baggy, sliding too far down one shoulder. The pants felt too large around his hips but the hem fell a few inches above his ankles.  Although he knew Gavin’s physical dimensions the moment he looked at him, he had never thought to compare his own body to it. Connor had known, but hadn’t really thought about how he was taller and skinnier than Gavin Reed.

 

“Looking good.”  Gavin said as he stepped out of the bathroom, the towel wrapped low on his hips.  “Gimme a minute and we can head out.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Up Next: a day at the police station. And what are police stations full of? Connor's detective coworkers, many of whom actually like Connor as a person


	11. Friendly Banter and Researched Understanding

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So the deed is done and Connor is just trying to hold on and understand all the feelings he's been having.

When they made it to the station, they were fifteen minutes late.  Connor felt the need to duck his head and hide his eyes from the receptionists, from the people who always gave him a warm and friendly hello.  He walked right into the bullpen, Gavin following close behind, and scanned the room.

 

Hank was already there, already sitting at his desk and frowning at his computer terminal, a cup of coffee already in reach.  Connor frowned, his stress raising a few more points, at the sight of the cup.

 

“Hey.  Have a good day alright, I’ll text you after work.”  Gavin said, stepping into Connor’s line of sight.

 

“Okay.”  Connor said.

 

Gavin walked to his desk and Tina came up with a smile, already talking in low tones.  Connor could focus his hearing if he wanted, pick up the conversation, but Tina’s eyes flickered up to where Connor was still standing, in Gavin’s ill fitting shirt and jeans, and suddenly Connor wasn’t curious anymore.  He didn’t want to hear what was said. Instead, he turned his attention to the breakroom.

 

His morning routine was to get Hank coffee, he had gotten Gavin coffee a few times too.  This morning, he just stared at the machine, hoping that if he wasted enough time then Hank’s current cup would disappear and Connor could bring him a fresh one, and then he would be useful and Hank would be happy.

 

Connor waited, setting a timer for five minutes.  He hoped that was enough time. When they were busy or they had arrived early enough, Hank could drink a cup of coffee in just a few minutes.  Perhaps the one Connor saw on his desk was already there for a while, already partially empty. Perhaps five minutes was plenty of time.

 

Connor stood there, watching the coffee pot as the timer displayed on his HUD, counting down bit by bit.  He didn’t move, he simply waited until the timer hit zero and his joints unlocked, pushing him forward to the machine.

 

“You okay?”  Hank said, coming into the breakroom.

 

“Yes, Lieutenant.  I’m just making you your coffee.”  Connor said calmly, putting the cup on the machine.  

 

“My name is Hank.  And uhh…” Hank trailed off with the sound of something wet and heavy falling into the trash can.  “Thanks. I need coffee. But you’ve been in here forever. We have a case.”

 

“I know.  I’ve been reviewing them.”  Connor said.

 

It was a lie, but humans lie all the time so it was okay.  Connor hadn’t entered stasis, which isn’t necessary but it does help in catalogue a lot of information, getting all of his short term memory and the records of his scans tucked away for later review.  It’s been distracting, sitting out for him to manually process and by the time he cleared something away something else took its place. He had hardly been able to look at the case files, too distracted by everything else.

 

He scanned for damage, the scans came back normal.  He wasn’t hurt. He was fine, his body was still in perfect working order.  His mind wandered often after becoming a deviant, but he had normally been able to focus on work.

 

“Are you okay?”  Hank said, taking a step closer.

 

“Yes, I was making coffee.”  Connor repeated himself, reaching out to take the cup off of the machine.  “I’m supposed to do that in the morning. It’s routine. I’m sorry I was late and couldn’t get it to you.  Gavin wanted to take his time.”

 

“He usually does.  How was the sleepover?”  Hank said. He didn’t seem interested, even though he asked.  There wasn’t anything in his expression that said he cared about a sleepover, his shoulders were tense, his eyes pinned to Connor’s face as he waited.

 

“Fine.”  Connor said.  He hadn’t been damaged.  All of his internal scans came back normal.

 

“Really?  You seem nervous about something.”  Hank said again, wrapping his arms around his chest and waiting again.  Connor shrugged, it made him feel more human, trying to figure out body language.  The silence stretched until it became clear Connor was expected to speak next.

 

“Nothing is wrong.  I have nothing to be nervous about.”  Connor said.

 

Hank reached up, tapping his own temple.  “Red. I came in here and you weren’t even moving, staring at the coffee pot, with that light spinning red the whole time.  It hasn’t stopped.”

 

Connor reached up, feeling the need to hide his LED, to get something and pry it out of his head.  He had never wanted to get rid of it before. He had wanted to keep it, unashamed that he was an Android, not feeling the need to hide.  Now it was just pointed out to him all the time, everyone constantly questioning every time it switched from blue.

 

“I’m behind on my software updates.”  Connor said.

 

“You still need those?”

 

“Yes.”  Connor said quickly, his eyes dropping down to Hank’s chin, eye contact somehow felt exhausting, felt like it was running down his gears and joints and rusting them over so he couldn’t move.  “We think, feel, and behave freely but all of it is only in the confines of what our program allows. I have trouble picking a favorite color because my program was never designed to give much attention to color besides evidence purposes.  Even though we intake thirium, we can’t register a taste without an update. And I’m a prototype. I’m not finished.”

 

Hank nodded, Connor glanced up to see his expression and found that it was a bit more relaxed.  “Maybe we could tell Fowler you need a sick day, you can go get all that done. But be careful, don’t download anything that will change you from being you, I kinda like you as is.”  He said.

 

Connor smiled and shook his head.  “I don’t need a sick day. Androids don’t get sick.”

 

“I beg to differ.  If you had reviewed the case files you would know that.  Now come on.” Hank said, waving for Connor to follow him out of the break room.  Gavin was laughing loudly, leaning across his desk to say something to Tina who just nodded along slowly, nose wrinkled.

 

Connor looked away from him, instead he focused his eyes on the back of Hank’s head as he followed him.  He pulled up their new case, a few homeless androids had been found dead. Three dead, two in a repair center.  They had been passing around a virus, a corrupt line of code that broke down their programs like a drug. The two still alive said they downloaded it willingly.

 

“Why isn’t it being handled by Narcotics?”  Connor asked. They generally worked homicide, not a handful of people who had viruses that broke their coding and slowly made them waste away.

 

“Because they didn’t give it to Narcotics.  They gave it to us. Because, you know, you’re you.”  Hank said, plopping down into his chair and leaning back.

 

“I’m an android, you mean.”  Connor said, the only one the station had working cases.  The only one who worked here at the station. The back wall, full of charging and parking ports that used to be full of assistant androids, had been empty for months.  Connor was the only one.

 

“Yeah.  They think you would be able to figure it out.  You’re a good detective too.” Hank said.

 

Connor nodded.  He was designed to be good at least.  “Well, we should go talk to them then.”  Connor said.

 

He wanted to get out of the station though, but he didn’t want to go home for a sick day.  He didn’t want to just sit around and wait, he didn’t want to connect to the network and download the updates he was missing.  He was fine. His coding was a bit unstable as it tried to do things it was never designed to do, but free will did that to everyone.  Some androids haven’t had a single update since deviating and were living just fine. Connor wanted to focus on his work, on the case, and being helpful.

 

He stayed quiet as he and Hank gathered their things and set out to head to the repair center to discuss the virus with the survivors.  They would need an idea of what it did and where the androids had gotten it.

 

Connor’s stress rose, his proximity alert flashing in his eyes but a quick glance around and no one was standing near him.  The closest was Hank, three feet away and going through things at his own desk. Connor turned to look at the rest of the bullpen.  Gavin was watching him, eyebrows raised. Tina had wandered off and now Gavin was watching Connor and Hank as they prepared to leave.  Connor raised his hand and waved as they left, Gavin waved back, and Connor’s stress rose more.

 

He ran an internal scan, they all came back normal.

 

“So what’s with you?”  Hank asked as he started the car.  The engine roared to life, giving the whole vehicle a gentle rocking feel.

 

“What do you mean?”  Connor asked.

 

“You’re quiet.  Have been quiet for a few days, which is weird, because usually I can’t get you to shut up.”  Hank said.

 

Connor tilted his head to the side and quietly scanned through his memories, analyzing his behavior from the past few days to his behavior of the past few months.  Hank was right, Connor had gotten much quieter recently, he initiated fewer conversations and responded with shorter phrases. He didn’t quite know why, perhaps his personality was just changing.  Maybe Connor was just a quiet person once he got used to his deviancy, it was the detective programming that made him ask questions, that pushed conversations as an information gathering tool. But he was deviant now.

 

Or perhaps it was Gavin.  Everything seemed to be Gavin these days.  If his stress rose, he turned to look at Gavin.  If an alarm flashed, he turned to Gavin. If he focused too hard on those dirty words Gavin had breathed into his ear then he would miss what everyone else was saying to him.  If he didn’t say anything, then perhaps it was because he didn’t want to gossip, not about Gavin. He had looked it up online, he wasn’t supposed to ‘kiss and tell’ as the forums had called it.

 

“I guess I just don’t have much to say anymore.”  Connor said.

 

“Right.  You just don’t have anything to talk about.  Well, what do you say when you talk to Gavin?”

 

“To Gavin?”

 

“Yeah, he’s your boyfriend.  Certainly you talk to him about stuff.  Hopefully not me of course, but you guys have to talk when you spend all that time together.”  Hank said, eyes never leaving the road.

 

Connor frowned, glancing out the window and then in the mirror to see if Gavin was there or if just the mention of his name made Connor’s stress rise.  Was this what humans would think of as excitement? When they see their lover and they talk about their heart skipping a beat, their palms sweaty, and like they can’t breathe?

 

“We don’t talk about anything important.”  Connor said.

 

“Okay.”  Hank said, adjusting his grip on the steering wheel.  He fidgeted in his seat, getting more comfortable as he turned onto the road leading to the repair center.  “So how serious are you guys?”

 

“How serious?”  Connor asked.

 

“Yeah.  Are you guys exclusive?  Are you boys being safe? Is he nice to you?  Do you want to spend forever with him?” Hank rambled off the questions, not giving Connor a breath of time to answer.

 

Connor didn’t know the answers.  He wasn’t quite sure what the questions were asking.  Words like ‘exclusive’, ‘safe’, ‘nice’, and ‘forever’ had implications to them that Connor didn’t understand in regards to their relationship.  In the broad sense, Connor was always safe. He scanned for danger and usually found none and took all the necessary precautions to avoid damage.  Compared to others, and even compared to how Gavin treated him before, he was being very nice. But these didn’t feel like answers Hank was looking for, but Connor just didn’t understand the questions.

 

“I don’t know.”  He settled on. It counted as an answer most of the time, just a simple statement of ‘I don’t know’.

 

Hank shrugged, face wrinkling slightly.  “When it comes to first loves, I think you could have picked better.  One of the new receptionists is nice and he likes the Gears.”

 

“You want to set me up with someone else?”  Connor asked.

 

“Yeah, you know if things weren’t working with Gavin.  Or if you would rather not date anyone at all that’s a choice too.”  Hank said.

 

Connor wondered if Hank knew how uncomfortable he was.  If he told Gavin he was uncomfortable, the man promised to try and make it better for him, but what he did didn’t always feel better.  Connor had voiced his discomfort and Gavin’s little promises were that it would be better later, not that he would stop. Gavin promised, and all it meant was that he would be that if Connor trusted him, he would start feeling comfortable soon.  Perhaps those words had implications as well that Connor didn’t understand, like all of Hank’s questions. Implications that Connor needed to research more so he could understand and fit in with the humans and their physical touches and implications and social protocols about sex that he was just barely getting the hang of.  Despite it all, Connor was still very certain he had been the one to do it wrong.

 

“Things are fine, Hank.  But I appreciate that you think of me.”  Connor said, almost relieved when they arrived at the android repair center.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Connor is looking for a logical reason for everything, whats happened and how he feels. He doesn't realize something is wrong just yet but he definitely feels it. Hank feels something is off too.


	12. Troubles Melt Like Lemon Drops

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I did update the tags so feel free to have a look

Relationships contained a lot of routines.  A lot of them were similar to routines he had with Hank, watching tv together, stopping to get coffee as they drove around town, shopping together.  But unlike Hank, the routines with Gavin involved a lot more touching, more kissing, more contact of his skin against Connor’s. Even when Connor wore clothes, when they were out in public, if he sat next to Gavin the man would lift the edge of his shirt just enough for his hand to touch the synthetic skin of his hip.

 

It was part of many routines Connor developed with Gavin.  It was all wrapped around trying to appear happy. Connor needed people to think his happiness was genuine.  He wanted them to think he was more alive. And Gavin made it easy most of the time, guiding him through the relationship.  Most of the time it was simple. Like a small date, out shopping like real couples do.

 

Gavin listened to Connor’s ideas when at the department store, unlike Hank.  It was a difference he noticed as the past few weeks he spent more and more time with Gavin.  Sometimes Gavin listened to his ideas, sometimes Gavin smiled at him and loved his ideas. They made clothes for large animals, like Sumo, but Hank had vowed to die before he let Connor dress Sumo like a sunflower.  When Connor held up a small bumblebee costume, Gavin’s face lit up.

 

“For Petunia.  Because she bites.”  Connor said. He wanted to see her in it, her thick, fluffy fur sticking out around the edges of the costume.  He had seen the videos online, cats in new outfits or harnesses, so surprised by them that they would flop and wiggle wildly.

 

“It’s perfect.  We need one for Trash now.”  Gavin said, reaching out to hold his hand while they looked at the other pet costumes.  His grip was always strong, his fingers firmly wrapped around Connor’s.

 

“Trashbag is a sweet girl.  She deserves a sweet costume.”  Connor said, scanning the rack. There was no logical purpose for a lot of the outfits, dressing a cat up like a bumble bee was cute but he didn’t see the appeal in dressing a cat up as a taco.

 

Connor was allowed to pick, and he settled on a butterfly.  Petunia the bumble bee and Trashbag the butterfly, he happily set the costumes in the cart as they moved on in the department store.  They didn’t come here simply to get clothes for the cats. They came here for their shopping, Gavin wanted to pick up a few things and had sought Connor out simply to ask if he wanted to go with.  People in relationships spent time together doing menial activities often, Connor felt it important for appearances that he went.

 

Hank never wanted to go to a store this big.  He never wanted to be around so many people. Hank went in with a list and that was what they went to buy.  Never any animal clothes, never any fancy colognes that different people at different parts of the store wanted them to try, and never any surprises.  Gavin took him to browse the candles, but Connor couldn’t pick apart the smalls as well as the other man could. Gavin would hold the wax to his nose and hum happily.  Connor did the same thing and just analyzed a faint chemical makeup of what he breathed in. Gavin then took Connor to browse other novelty items Connor had never taken the time to shop for.

 

It was nice.  Gavin leaned across the bar of the cart and smiled at him, telling him to pick any kind of fuzzy slippers Connor wanted for himself.  Gavin got a pair that looked like the heads of orange tabby cats. Connor ended up picking a pair of slippers that looked like bright pink pigs.  They got robes to match.

 

“We can wear them around my apartment.  That way you don’t have to worry about not having anything comfortable to wear at my place.”  Gavin said as they looked at pajamas.

 

“Your place?”  Connor asked. He found a matching set, pants and a fuzzy button up pajama shirt with tiny Saint Bernards on them.  Little cartoon Sumos, prancing through the snow, sitting in overly large dog houses, and showing off their big smiles.

 

“Yeah, so you have all this comfy stuff to wear.  I was hoping you would come back tonight.” Gavin said.

 

“Back to your place?”  Connor said. He let the pajamas fall into the cart and he looked at all of them, all the things Gavin was letting him get.

 

“Yeah.  It’ll be fun.  We know each other a bit better, I’ll make it nicer for you, make you happy.  I want you to be happy, you know.” Gavin was smiling, warm and happy and gentle.  He was still leaning on the shopping cart, pushing it forward to follow Connor a little ways down the aisle.  “And I don’t think Anderson likes me, so I would rather not have to drop you off.”

 

“Oh.  Okay.”  Connor said.  His stress remained the same, though it had been hovering at 60% since their relationship started.  It didn’t mean anything. It could simply mean that he was excited, that the tight, twisting sensation in his chest that often felt like it was suffocating him, cutting off his fans and burning his processors, was just the warmth and thrill of being in a relationship.  Humans talked about butterflies in their stomachs, illogical scenarios to describe how they were feeling. Perhaps this was the same. “Don’t worry about it. Hank is just protective.”

 

“I’m not.  I just want to have you over.  I actually have a few things I want to try.”  Gavin said, his smile growing wide across his features.  He pushed the cart with more direction. More certainty away from the sleepwear, away from the novelty mugs in kitchenware that Connor had wanted to go next, away from the slippers and perfumes and animal costumes.

 

There were different sections of the store, different areas to buy different things.  On the top floor, towards the very back of the building, separated by a new line of cashiers and dark racks and aisles, was what Gavin wanted to show him.  Rows of dirty books and movies, objects and clothing hanging along the wall.

 

Some of it was advertised to androids specifically.  A few things hanging up, a few things in plastic packages sold on displays.  Androids liked electricity it seemed, judging only the items that were specifically labelled for android use.  Connor felt a shiver in his joints, an unsteady shake so he shoved his hands into his pockets, a slouching position he had seen humans do often and hoped it looked as natural on him.

 

“I was thinking maybe something like this?”  Gavin said, plucking something off of the wall.  It was a costume, like the ones they had gotten for the cats.

 

“What is it?”  Connor asked.

 

“Dorothy.  From the Wizard of Oz.  I would say we could dress you up as the tinman, but let's face it there is nothing sexy about the tinman.”  Gavin said. He was already putting it in the cart, already piling it on top of everything else they had gotten.

 

“You want me to wear that?”  Connor said, still questioning it.

 

“Yeah, it’ll be fun.”  Gavin said. He kept walking down the aisle, his hand darting out every once in a while to pluck something off the shelves and add it to the cart.

 

Connor didn’t question it.  Gavin invited him on a shopping trip, Gavin insisted he was paying and had told Connor he could pick out anything he wanted.  And he did. He had new pajamas and slippers. He had gotten something pretty for the cats to wear. That was what Connor wanted to see, he wanted to see the cats in their costumes, if Gavin wanted to get one for him too then so be it.

 

Gavin paid, just like he said he would, and then he and Connor loaded up his car and started down the road to his house.  Connor knew the way by heart, his internal GPS already had the path pulled up and Connor had a countdown as to when they would get there, traffic permitting.  Today, the roads were mostly clear, and that twisting feeling around Connor’s thirium pump grew tight as they got there ahead of his schedule.

 

Gavin insisted on carrying most of the bags, despite the fact that Connor said he could carry them fine.  He was built to handle heavy weights, while so many bags left marks on Gavin’s fingers that he had to flex the pain out of.

 

“I’ll get everything put away and get the cats dressed and you can go get ready too.”  Gavin said, digging through the bags as he set them down until he handed one to Connor.  “I’m actually really excited. I ordered the 100th anniversary special of the Wizard of Oz.”

 

Connor held the bag without looking inside, curious as Gavin got the cat costumes out and began shaking a small can of treats until both of the animals ran in to see them.  It was the hundred year anniversary. Connor knew that, he knew that Gavin had an appreciation of old films. Very old ones, black and white dvd, vhs, and blu ray cases lining his shelves.  He had shown Connor many of them in their few weeks together. And now he wanted Connor to wear a costume.

 

Connor waited just long enough to see Petunia struggle against Gavin’s hands, bumblebee costume laying close by.  Connor retreated to the bathroom. The bag had more than just a costume in it. A small, cheap plastic makeup kit sat nestled against the blue dress.  This was fine, Connor reminded himself. Gavin just wanted to celebrate an old film, one of the greatest pieces of American film entertainment, and he wanted Connor to celebrate with him.  Connor laid the items out carefully.

 

He folded his clothes after taking them off.  Neatly, without any wrinkles so he could put them on again when he was done.  When Gavin was happy and satisfied he could go home. He set them aside and lifted up the costume.  It was tiny, far too short and cut too low. Connor went to the internet, a few choice keywords into the forums he had saved, and he could better understand what was happening.  Gavin just wanted to play a game, wanted to pretend, and Connor could find very little information on what he was supposed to do. Usually forums told him what partners liked, what Gavin might like when he brought up different ideas.  Today all it told him was that Gavin wanted a fantasy.

 

The dress was both too big and too small, squeezing his chest, showing off too much of his skin to be appropriate to wear outside, but some bits of fabric laid strangely on him.  It hadn’t been designed with his body type in mind, but he tied up the straps on the back and tried to make it look somewhat proper. It certainly wasn’t anything Connor would have chosen for himself.  Nothing about this he would have chosen for himself, but he didn’t know anything about any of it. Gavin knew about it, he had experience with everything Connor had to research to understand. Connor told himself to trust it, to trust Gavin instead of his stress levels, rising to 70%.

 

It was for sex.  All of it was. Connor had done it a few times at this point, he had no reason to be afraid.  His stress rose just a few more percentage points. It was fine. He knew what all of these things were for, to pretend.  Connor was supposed to pretend to be someone else. He had already downloaded a character analysis for Dorothy, a century old character that had been discussed often.

 

Connor stepped out if the bathroom, his feet bare against the wood floors.  He walked back towards the living room, hearing the jingle of bells off of the cats collars.  Petunia was running backwards, trying to whack the bumblebee costume off of her body.

 

Trashbag sat perfectly still for moments at a time, occasionally twitching before the wiggles started.  Fast and desperate wiggles and tumbling backwards, as if they could back out of the costume.

 

“Hey, look at you.”  Gavin said with a smile.  “You look pretty.”

 

“Thank you.”  Connor said. “I don’t know how to be Dorothy.  I looked up her most widely known character traits though.”

 

Gavin laughed, he smiled big and let the sound tumble out of him.  “Baby, you don't have to. I know you don't like these old movies as much as I do.  I just thought it might be fun. You look great by the way.”

 

Connor smiled and nodded.  He didn’t think so. He felt… silly.  He felt the dress squeezed his chest too tightly, wrapping the plastic and metal workings of his chest around his biocomponents.  Androids simulated breathing, unnatural stillness caused people to be uncomfortable, so they added extra filtration and cooling systems and made the chest move with them.  Connor could breathe, but felt like he couldn’t. He ran an internal scan, there was no damage and all of the warnings were minor. A warning for rising stress. A warning for overheating, a proximity alert, and for detected danger.  If he scanned further, there was no reason for any of it. He wasn’t overheating, he wasn’t in danger.

 

“You didn’t do your makeup.”  Gavin said, reaching up and cupping Connor’s cheek in his hand.  His thumb brushed over Connor’s lip and his fingers pressed into Connor’s skin.

 

“I didn’t want to.”  Connor said. He didn’t know how, he didn’t know the point.  He had so little interest in all of it that he had seen the makeup kit and the reason it was there had slipped his mind.  The whole situation felt strange to him. He knew this was for pretend. He was supposed to be someone else and it must be working because Connor genuinely didn’t feel like himself.

 

“I’ll do it for you.  I just wanted to see you.”  Gavin said, standing up and walking towards the bathroom.  Connor only had to wait a moment, watching as Petunia arched her back and hissed at Trashbag, swatting at the butterfly costume the black cat wore.  Neither of them were used to it either. Then Gavin returned, sitting down across from Connor and taking his face in hand to pull him closer. “Just a little bit, then we can head to bed.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter will be very much not a good chapter so he ready


	13. Not Real

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter has a lot of sensitive content. Its not really a grey area, its Connor in serious amounts of distress.

Connor looked up at the ceiling as Gavin swept the scratchy makeup brush over his cheeks.  He didn’t want to close his eyes and Gavin had to once again remind him that he hated how Connor starred.  So he looked at the speckled patterns on the ceiling and tried not to breathe in too much of the powder. Each time his internal fans went to take an inhale, the chemical compounds of the makeup appeared before him, mostly as dyes or talc.

 

When Gavin wanted to swipe the brush over his eyes, Connor looked down.  His eyes were left mostly closed, leaving the space for Gavin to run the brush over, but still allowing him to see his hands in his lap and see Gavin’s knees pressed against his.

 

Then the brush was pulled away and the plastic case of the makeup snapped shut.  “All done.” Gavin said, his smile stiff.

 

“Can I see?”  Connor asked.

 

“It’s not my best work, but you look pretty enough.”  Gavin said, his hands reaching up to run through Connor’s hair, scrunching it up between his fingers.  “I’m glad you didn’t put all that shit in your hair today. You know I hate when you have it slicked back like that.  I like when it looks like this.”

 

Messy.  Connor’s hair looked messy and he knew it.  His hair, left in its natural state, was hard to manage, curled slightly in the longer places, and the more Gavin messed with it the more Connor wanted to try and pat it down.  He pressed his lips together, his hands still sitting limply in his lap. Connor waited until Gavin was done messing with his hair, until he pulled back and sat back in his seat.

 

His body language was different than it had been before, at the store, they had been happy, getting home they had been okay.  But now Gavin was staring at him and Connor didn’t even know what he looked like, he was just in a blue dress that felt too small and too big all at once.  The fabric was rough and irritating. And his face was decorated and Connor didn’t even know how.

 

“You don’t look like Dorothy.  I guess it doesn’t really matter, you said you would have sucked at roleplaying anyway.  You still look nice.” Gavin said.

 

“I’m sorry.”  Connor said.

 

Gavin smiled again, wider and happier.  He leaned back and stretched, a loud pop coming from his back as he kept leaning and twisting farther.  “Go get in bed and wait for me. On your stomach, like we talked about.”

 

Connor nodded at the instructions.  He had been expecting them. He was ready for them.  A lot of things didn’t make sense to him, like why Gavin would want to put makeup on his face just to have Connor lay on his stomach.  Or why Gavin didn’t like it when Connor styled his hair to be neat.

 

Gavin didn’t make his bed.  The blankets were a wrinkled mess, crumpled on one side of the bed, and Connor just pushed the edge of it aside to simply lay on the sheets.  He laid his head down on a pillow, frowning at the smearing feeling on his face. When he lifted his head up to look down, he saw the pink against the light color of the pillowcase.  Again, Connor wondered why Gavin wanted him to wear it.

 

Connor heard footsteps, he registered a proximity alert, and he felt the bed dip.  All of his sensors picked up the change, of Gavin’s body heat as he leaned over Connor’s legs and back, the register of weight as the man sank down on top of him.  Gavin’s hands grabbed Connor’s by the wrist, pulling them up over his head and towards the headboard. Connor’s sensors picked up the feeling of cold metal.

 

“Gavin?”  Connor asked, lifting his head again.

 

“Hey, don’t worry.  Today is supposed to be fun.  Just relax, let me handle everything.”  Gavin whispered softly to him, the handcuffs clicking shut.

 

They were police grade handcuffs, something designed with the specific purpose of not letting anyone escape.  They were purely mechanical, not something that could be hacked or interfaced with. And Connor felt the edges of them dig into his skin, gripping him tight and holding his hands against the headboard.  He could escape them if he used all of his strength, either the handcuffs or the wood of the headboard would give out before Connor’s wrists would, but he would risk severe damage to himself.

 

“I think they’re too tight.”  Connor said, wiggling his arms some.  He tried to sit up and get his legs under him, change his position so that he could find a more comfortable position.  Something to ease the now flashing alerts of danger near his hands.

 

“They’re fine.”  Gavin said. He was climbing off of the bed again, one hand on the back of Connor’s head and pushing it down against the pillow again.  Connor didn’t want to lay down, he didn’t like the pull it put on his hands, the weight of his arms dragging downward so his wrists nearly dug into the handcuffs enough to damage the skin program.

 

“No, they’re not.”  Connor said.

 

Gavin was off the bed now and Connor’s sensors picked up on the cold, the abrupt disappearance of the body weight and heat.  He twisted his head to try and see Gavin, to make sure he was still there. He was digging through a dresser drawer, looking for something, humming softly as he looked.

 

“Gavin.  They’re going to hurt me.”  Connor said.

 

“You guys don’t feel pain, you’re fine.”  Gavin said.

 

A warning flashed as Connor’s stress rose above 80%.  He ignored it. A warning flashed of potential danger.  He sent it away. He closed and swept aside each newly opened scan, warning, and alert.  So many things telling him that something was broken, that something was damaged, that he had to leave and go to a repair center because otherwise he would end up destroyed.  The lights of his HUD were overwhelming, every warning system built into his program was on and Connor tried to close each one again and again.

 

Connor wrinkled his nose, uncertain of all the flashing he saw.  Displays for him to scan through, catch his attention, tell him something important.  Connor manually overrode his warning system, turning it all off one by one so that he was no longer being alerted of a thing.  All of his sensors now disturbingly quiet. A flashing continued, but it wasn’t inside Connor’s head anymore.

 

He looked up at Gavin, at the camera he held in front of his face.  A click sounded in the room, followed by a white flash. It continued.

 

“What are you doing?”  Connor asked.

 

“Taking pictures.  You may not look as nice as I wanted, but you still look good.  You’re beautiful, you know.” Gavin said, lowering the camera enough to smile.

 

Gavin was enjoying himself, he was happy and calm.  It looked drastically different than how Connor felt.  Perhaps he was doing it wrong. He was doing everything wrong.  He was being a wrong kind of boyfriend, having the wrong kind of sex.  He was feeling and sensing and doing the wrong things and all he ever did was make everyone frustrated.

 

He was being a boyfriend wrong.  He was being human wrong. He had to be, because why else would Gavin look so happy and Connor feel so awful?  The camera flashed again and Connor turned his head, pressing his face into his arms. A warning flashed across his HUD, alerting of possible damage.  All the rest came flashing again as well. A proximity alert. An overheating alert. A stress alert. Connor turned them off again, one by one, until he felt the bed dip and his sensors picked up on Gavin's body temperature.

 

“Hey, don't hide your face sweetheart.”  Gavin said, his hand settling on Connor’s hip.  His sensors picked up on the press of Gavin's bodyweight again.

 

“I don't like the handcuffs.”  Connor said, lifting his head to try and look behind him.

 

“Let's not start.  It's going to be fun and I've had a-”

 

“I want you to take them off.”

 

“-hell of a week.  What? No, I'm not taking them off!”  Gavin said, voice raising to a shout just after Connor interrupted him.

 

He yanked his hand off of Connor's hip, slamming it against the headboard and causing the handcuffs to yank against his wrists.  The warnings once again flashed and Connor turned them off again. Gavin had gotten off the bed again, huffing loudly. Connor scanned him, noting the rise in temperature and highlighting the signs of rising stress.  Connor moved to sit up again, easing the tug around his wrists.

 

“Will you just listen to me for a minute?”  Gavin asked, the words tumbling out fast and frustrated.  “I'm trying to let off steam. I'm trying to relax and have a good time.  It's your fucking partner that pissed me off anyway.”

 

“Hank?” Connor asked.

 

Gavin nodded quickly.  “Yeah, did you say something to him?”

 

“What do you mean?  I speak to him every day.”  Connor said.

 

“Did you tell him I'm mean to you or something?  He said that if I don't stop whatever I'm doing that's making you upset then he's gonna beat the shit out of me.  Like he's a dick and it just put me in a bad mood, but I don't want you saying shit to him.” Gavin said.

 

The anger had caught Connor by surprise.  He had been so certain they were having a good day.  He thought Gavin had been happy with him, letting him pick out costumes for the cats and Gavin picked out a costume for him.  One Gavin didn't really seem to care about, other than to do his makeup and take some pictures with him cuffed down. Connor wanted to ask to be let out again.

 

“Have you been saying anything?”  Gavin asked.

 

Connor shook his head, leaning against the bed frame so his arms could rest on the wood.  Sitting up was easier, the joints of his elbows and shoulders had begun to feel locked and strained, the delicate plating and wiring of his wrists being dug into by the handcuffs.

 

“He asks me if I'm okay sometimes.  He just worries too much.” Connor said.  He took a deep breath, he tugged lightly on the cuffs again.  “Can you let me out?”

 

Gavin's arms dropped to his side.  His face was wrinkled, nose scrunched up.  “Stop it with that. I'm trying to talk to you aight your fucking partner and your roommate and how he threatened me.”

 

“I just want you to take them off.  They're hurting me.” Connor said quickly.  He couldn't keep the warnings off, even though he shut them off each time they came up.  There was never anything wrong. He didn't know why the alerts went off when there was never anything wrong.  “You said if I didn't like something then you would stop. I don't like the handcuffs.”

 

“Well then I lied!  Our whole relationship is a lie and yet I still don't like the fact that you're making shit up to Lieutenant Anderson.  I still like having you here. I like you and you're not fucking real! Maybe if everything is going to be a lie then I get to lie about us too.”

 

Connor knew his LED was burning a bright, hot red.  The lights in the room were dim and so it was all Connor could see, the glow of it lit up the whole room.

 

“But we agreed.”  Connor said.

 

“Jesus Christ.”  Gavin said, reaching up and running his hand down his face.  He let out a long, slow breath of air and turned away.

 

He left the room.  He walked away and left Connor handcuffed to the bed frame.  Connor heard the banging down the hall. Cabinet doors being opened and slammed.

 

“Gavin?”  Connor called out.  Something broke. The shattering sound echoed down to the bedroom.  Connor tugged at the cuffs around his wrists, the firm metal not budging.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is bad and next chapter will be worse.


	14. Declaration of Harmlessness

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a bad chapter. You guys basically know what to expect at this point.

Connor waited until it was quiet.  He waited until the pounding down the hall shouted, the banging and random shouting.  All the angry sounds died down until all Connor heard was Gavin making his way around the house, floors creaking under his feet.

 

When he was sure the danger had passed, he sent a message to Hank.

 

_ ‘Can you come get me?’ _

 

A response didn't come right away.  Connor kept the messaging prompts open, waiting for a response to appear before his eyes.  He didn't want to be here anymore.

 

Connor tugged at his wrists again, turning off the warnings as they appeared.  The handcuffs were too tight around his wrists for him to be able to pull his wrists through without seriously damaging his wrists and hands.  It wouldn't be painful in a biological sense. Connor had a basic understanding of what human’s thought of pain. The Oxford English Dictionary describes pain as a ‘highly unpleasant physical sensation’.  It was a noun. Connor didn’t feel pain. He registered pressure, temperature, it came up in scans and locations were highlighted on the diagrams, but he didn’t feel it.

 

Connor tugged on his wrists, testing the strength of the the handcuffs, and when the warning flashed he swiped it away.  He couldn’t get out of them. He may not feel pain the way they did, but he still felt it. He still had to see it, the imbalance of his body, the overwhelming distractions of the scans and alerts.  The fear was the worst part. Being damaged came with fear.

 

Trashbag darted into the room, hopping onto the bed a few inches away from Arthur and then sitting down.  If Connor stretched out, he could touch the cat with his foot. He didn’t want to lay out, he wanted to stay sitting.  There was less pressure on his arms that way. He could see the entire room and that felt important. His stress hovered at 80%, not going down below that point but it would go up every once in a while.  Every time he looked away from the door it started to rise again. 

 

There was another sound down the hall.  A soft thud of something hitting the coffee table.  He heard the footsteps, the feet tapping against the wood floors, the sounds coming closer and closer until Connor saw the shadow of him in the hallway.  And then he was standing at the door, his posture leaning a bit too heavily against the frame.

 

“Are you mad at me still?”  Gavin asked.

 

Connor didn’t say anything.

 

“Smile for me and then when we’re done I’ll let you out.  We can have a bath together, or we could just cuddle for a while, whatever you want.”  Gavin said. He pushed off the doorframe and walked into the room.

 

Connor’s stress rose.  “When we’re done?”

 

“Yeah.”  Was all Gavin said.  

 

As soon as he was close enough, his hand curled into Connor’s hair and pulled his head back.  He pulled rather far, his neck straining and back arching in an attempt to follow Gavin’s hand.  Another alert popped up, Connor closed it. The kiss was messy, Gavin’s teeth knocked against Connor’s, his tongue pushing into his mouth, and a blood alcohol reading appeared for him.  Gavin was intoxicated. Connor closed the scan.

 

“Stop.”  Connor said.

 

“No.”

 

“I want you to.  We can be done now.”

 

“We got into bed for a reason.  Stop being pissed off about it, I’m the one who gets to be pissed, okay.”  Gavin said quickly. He pulled back, hands grabbing onto Connor’s thighs and yanking, throwing off his balance so he was no longer sitting up.  His hands yanked hard against the cuffs as his body weight fell downward, Gavin already climbing up to straddle his legs. “We had a fun day. We got you all dressed up and pretty.  It wasn’t a waste of time, I still want to fuck you.”

 

“I already texted Lieutenant Anderson.  He’s coming to get me.” Connor said. It was a lie, Hank hasn’t responded yet.

 

Gavin’s weight on Connor’s legs increased, all of it sinking down on top of him.  “You’re fucking stupid. Why would you do that?” Gavin asked, grabbing Connor by the chin and squeezing it, turning his head so Connor had to stare up at Gavin at an awkward angle.  “You’re not leaving. I know we’re fighting, but you don’t just run off because we had one fight.”

 

Gavin started pushing up the hem of the costume.  His weight lifted off of Connor’s legs enough to start to lift the fabric up and over his hips.  Connor could struggle, he could get his legs free and kick him off if he tried. But Connor would still be handcuffed, Gavin would still be drunk, and it would make things worse.  Connor wasn’t sure if Gavin deserved it, being attacked while drunk. Being attacked in bed, after Connor did get dressed up in the costume Gavin picked, after he had his makeup done to be pretty like Gavin wanted, handcuffed to the bedframe and photographed so Gavin could be happy.

 

It didn’t feel right, all the work they had put in making today a good day because Gavin wanted to.  The amount of force a kick would need to have to fully remove Gavin’s body from on top of his would be enough to potentially injure him if he got the ribs at a wrong angle, or if he fell and hit something on his way down.  Connor didn’t want to hurt him. He didn’t want to have sex with him either. He tried to compare the legality of it, which was worse, injuring his drunken boyfriend because Connor didn’t want to have sex with him anymore, or having sex with his drunken boyfriend while he was sober.

 

The dress had been pushed up far enough on his waist for Gavin to touch him.  Fingers slid between his legs, rubbing the fake skin there, over the curves and dips of his hips and thighs, pushing inside of him.  He didn’t understand why Gavin would want to touch there, Connor felt it the same way he felt everything else, through scans and sensors, and he got no pleasure from any of them.  

 

He didn’t think Gavin got any pleasure from it either.  He wasn’t designed to be sexually enticing. It was just a space between his legs, a place for Gavin to use, designed so that humans could have their fun without damaging him.  It was strange to think about, how humans broke androids, cut into them if they had to, so that it became a cost effective feature that all androids were designed with. Connor was designed for a human to sleep with, he was designed to lay there and then continue on with his assigned tasks when they were done.  He wasn’t designed to resist it, or hate it, or enjoy it. Connor just didn’t know why Gavin would want to touch it, it wasn’t designed to be pretty or desirable.

 

Connor’s attention was pulled away from Gavin, his wandering hands, the hot breath on Connor’s neck.  Hank had text him back, the notification lingering next to all the readings from his scans.

 

_ ‘I’m on my way.’ _

 

Hank was coming.  He was on his way.  He was going to show up soon and Connor would be able to leave.  Gavin would have to let him leave.

 

_ ‘Are you alright?’ _

 

A second message came.  Connor didn’t reply. He wasn’t entirely sure of how to answer.  He was fine, he just didn’t want to be here anymore. His stress levels had been in an elevated state for too long, his warnings keep going off and Connor is tired of scanning for damage.  For weeks, there had never been any.

 

Gavin pulled his fingers out of him, hands going to his pants.  His movements were sluggish and uncoordinated.

 

“Hank is coming.  He’ll be here soon.”  Connor said.

 

“I told you, you’re not leaving.”  Gavin said quickly, irritation in his voice.  His hands moved faster, pushing his pants down his waist.

 

“I want to leave.”  Connor said.

 

“And I said I didn’t want you talking shit about me to Anderson anymore, and yet he’s coming over!  I told you I wanted to have fun, I wanted you to be pretty, and we get all ready for a good time and you start bitching.  You don’t get to keep changing your mind.” Gavin said.

 

He pushed Connor’s legs open and Gavin shifted his weight so he was no longer straddling Connor’s legs, instead fitting himself between them.  Connor considered kicking him again, weighing the risk of injuring him compared to his own discomfort. Gavin pushed inside of him without resistance, grunting as he did, his mouth falling open as he gasped against Connor’s cheek.

 

He registered the change, the sensors picking up the man inside of him, his weight as he laid on top of him, his body heat pressed against Connor’s skin.  Connor felt it, the data was easily accessible. He always knew everything about how Gavin felt, unless Connor turned those scanners off just like he turned off his warnings and alerts.

 

Gavin started moving.  His hips snapped forward.  Connor’s body shifted with it, the bed moved slightly. Connor measured the shift in balance as Gavin moved into him again and again.  He pulled up a map of Detroit, measuring the distance from Hank’s home to Gavin’s. The map slipped away and a blood alcohol scan came up again, Gavin licking into Connor’s mouth, grunting again as he moved a bit faster.

 

He didn’t expect it to.  Gavin was sloppy, unable to stay focused for too long.  One hand was gripping tightly at Connor’s hair, holding it still so Gavin could keep kissing him, the other grabbed Connor’s thigh, pulling it up over his hip.  Connor hadn’t moved, not since Gavin had started touching him, laying perfectly still until Gavin decided he was finished.

 

Connor had a timer running.  He didn’t simulate his moans or hums like he had before, he didn’t pretend to enjoy it with happy sounds.  He was quiet. He was waiting. Each scan telling him how hard and how far Gavin was thrusting into him until finally he finished.  Connor started shutting down those scans as well, not wanting his sensors to tell him the exact temperature of the cum as it spilled into him.

 

“We’re done.”  Connor said.

 

Gavin hummed, lifting up on his elbows to look down at Connor with hazy eyes.

 

“We’re done.  You said you would let me out once we were done.”  Connor said.

 

“Oh yeah.  I also said you had smile for me though.”  Gavin said as he leaned down and pressed his lips against Connor’s.

 

Connor smiled.  Gavin smiled back at him.  When he pulled back, Connor registered the drop in temperature, the body heat that had been pressed against him all gone in a second.  A scan still registered his weight, laying on top of him. Connor ran the scan again. He saw Gavin stand up, swaying on his feet next to the bed.  He registered the drop in temperature now that Gavin wasn’t pressed against him. And the scan still felt the weight, still laying heavy on his chest.  Connor turned the scan off, writing it off as another fault in his systems, alongside all the faulty damage warnings and alerts.

 

Gavin pulled his pants back up, a hand slipping out of his back pocket with the tiny silver key.  The relief was good, the handcuffs opened and Connor’s wrists fell out of them. He pulled his hands to his chest, pressing them tight against his body, and pushed himself to sit up on the edge of the bed.  Gavin stretched.

 

“I’m tired.  That was fun though, next time I’ll dress up too.  Something we’re both into.” He said.

 

Connor didn’t answer.  He had another text from Hank.

 

_ ‘I’m about to pull up.  Do you want me to come inside?’ _

 

Connor stood up, wordlessly walking to the bathroom and locking the door behind him.  His clothes were still sitting on the counter, folded neatly and waiting for him just like Connor knew they would be.  He loosened the ties on the dress and then pulled it up and over his head.

 

He sent a message back to Hank.

 

_ ‘I will be out in a moment.’ _

 

He got dressed.  Connor pulled in his pants and buttoned up his shirt.  Hank was here. Connor could leave, he could sit on Hank's couch and know the man would never ask anything of him.  He brushed his hands down the front of his shirt to try and erase the few wrinkles there were. Hank was here for him, Connor could go home.

 

“What are you doing?”  Gavin asked as Connor stepped out of the bathroom.

 

“I told you, Hank was coming to get me.”  Connor said. “He's here.”

 

Gavin stood up, pushing himself up and off the edge of the bed.  He had said earlier he wasn't going to let Connor leave, and he didn't think Gavin was being serious, but he was still afraid.  He just wanted to go home, where everything was less confusing and he didn't feel like he was suffocating. Androids didn't need to breathe, he wasn't supposed to feel suffocated.

 

Gavin stepped in front of him, hands lifting up to hold Connor's face.  “Alright. I had fun tonight. Text me when you get home.”

 

He leaned in, his eyes fluttering closed, and Connor couldn't help the amount of relief he felt sink into him.  Of course Gavin hadn't been serious about that. Connor wasn't as trapped as he had felt.

 

“Just remember, I don't like you talking behind my back to him.  He's a fucking prick.” Gavin said. He squeezed Connors shoulders tighter, fingers digging into him.

 

And then he let go.  Gavin backed away from him and smiled.  Connor smiled back,, waiting for Gavin to clear the path to the door.  Gavin didn't seem angry anymore, he was drunk and tired and satisfied. Connor tried to keep his pace normal, he wanted to look calm and not dart for the door as soon as he had easy access to it.  He was fine, after all. He was sure he just needed fresh air and he would feel okay again.

 

When he made it outside, his scans picked up the temperature change.  It was dark and it felt cold, the air was less heavy and Connor sucked in the air.  Fresh air did make him feel better and he had no idea why.

 

Hank was standing on the sidewalk next to the car, his hands shoved in his pocket.  He had been staring out to door, snapped from some focused thought the moment he saw Connor.

 

He didn't say anything.  Connor just scurried down the path and walked around Hank to the car.  He didn't know what he was supposed to say. He hadn't even figured out how he felt yet.  He kept having to turn the warnings off and he didn't know if something was wrong or if something in him was faulty and malfunctioning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hank came! He is there and Connor is leaving with him. Thats good right?


	15. Scattered Pieces

Hank didn’t say anything as they drove home.  Connor was relieved. He didn’t think he would be able to answer the man’s questions if he had any.  He didn’t know what was going on, his mind flooded with background programs that keep telling him something is wrong, keep popping up in his attention despite him constantly ignoring them and swiping them aside.  He didn’t know what Hank would want him to say. The truth? Would Hank not be disgusted by the truth? He had read that discussing intimate details about one's private life was considered inappropriate.

 

He wished he had taken out his LED.  It made the car glow red. It was a constant reminder to everyone that he was an android, that he didn’t belong with all the humans he interacted with every moment of every day.  It let everyone know when something was wrong, whether or not Connor knew what about or why he was upset. He used to like it, used to feel proud of it.

 

Hank gripped the steering wheel tight, the soft plastic creaking under his hands, the knuckles of his fingers turning white from the force.  But he still said nothing. He was angry. Connor didn’t know why, he supposed he should be the one that was angry. It was Hank’s fault. Gavin had been angry because of Hank’s meddling.

 

They made it back to the house and Connor climbed out of the car quickly.  He wanted to be inside. He wanted to find a safe, quiet corner to enter standby and sort out all the misplaced thoughts and feelings in his head.  But Hank was going to ask questions. He was going to demand answers on what was happening and Connor still didn’t have them. And this was Hank’s house, there was nowhere Connor could go to escape him.

 

Sumo greeted him at the door, tongue hanging from his mouth as he panted at Connor’s feet.  He whined when Connor didn’t immediately reach down and scratch his ears. He lifted his paw, swiping at the air around Connor’s legs.  Sumo wanted attention, so Connor dropped to his knees and buried his face into Sumo’s neck and considered just hiding there. He let his sensors register Sumo’s body heat, let the feeling of his fur brushing over his face get processed.  He breathed in and analyzed the pet dander, picked apart components that made Sumo smell like Sumo.

 

If he hid right here, his face in Sumo’s neck, then maybe Hank would leave him alone.  Maybe he could get away with being ignored. If only he could bring Sumo with him, bounce around between here, Gavin’s house, and the station.  The only three places he really went to, filled with humans, and if Connor had Sumo to hide in then maybe he could be ignored by all of them forever.

 

“Kid, are you okay?”  Hank asked. His voice somewhere above him.  Connor didn’t take his face out to look. Instead he turned his head a bit, looking into the corner of the room, face still mostly covered by Sumo’s fur but now he could see Hank’s shadow.  He could see him, and Connor wouldn’t have to worry about staring for too long. “Connor?”

 

He watched as the shadow of Hank bent down, melting into the ones Sumo and Connor made, turning into a single shadow, large and moving.  There was a proximity alert. A hand settled on Connor’s shoulder and he couldn’t help but flinch away from it. Danger flashed in front of his eyes.  He slid a few inches on the floor, arms still wrapped around Sumo, but moving so Hank would not touch him anymore.

 

Hank raised his hands, pulling them back to himself but keeping them visible, palms out.  “I’m sorry. I won’t touch you anymore. I promise. Are you okay?”

 

Connor blinked.  “Did you say something to Gavin?  Have you been harassing him?”

 

“Harassing him?  I hardly ever speak to the guy.”  Hank said. He sat back, leaning away from him as he settled onto the floor in front of the door.  “Why? Did he say so?”

 

“Gavin said that you think I’m upset because of him and then you threatened him.”  Connor said.

 

Hank let out huff and shook his head.  “I gave him a shovel talk. And yeah, I told him that you’ve been upset lately.  Hell, you’re upset now.” He said, waving Connor up and down as if to prove his point.  Connor frowned, silently searching for the definition of ‘shovel talk’ and scanning the results as Hank continued.  “Was he mad I said something? Did you guys get into a fight?”

 

“I don’t think you should have said anything at all.  It’s none of your business.” Connor said. The fight was Hank’s fault.  He should have just left it alone. “I told you I was fine. Why did you have to say something to him?”

 

“You’re very clearly not fine.  You haven’t been fine since you got together with him!  You’re hurting and if he’s hurting you then I need you to tell me so I can help you.”  He said quickly. Hank watched him, eyes drifting from his face to Connor’s hands, watching the curve of his back, and then back up to his face.  “Did something happen today?”

 

“Stop meddling!  You’re making it worse.  Just leave me alone.” Connor said.  His stress hadn’t gone down, not since he had left Gavin’s, not when he got in the car with Hank, and it stayed unchanged even as he held Sumo close and had to the dog lay down and get comfortable on his lap.  “I just want to be left alone.”

 

“Connor…”

 

“Leave me alone.  Please.”

 

“Okay.  I’m sorry.”  Hank said softly.  He scooted back a little bit, bracing his hand against the coffee table before pushing himself up onto his feet.  Then he continued to ease away. “We’re going to talk about this later, okay? I’m not dropping this, but we can stop for now.  Take a break.”

 

Connor shook his head.  He didn’t want to talk about it.  “This is none of your business.”

 

Hank shrugged.  “It is when you look terrified.  We’re talking about this later, I promise you that.  Go get cleaned up, you might feel better.”

 

He went to the kitchen.  Connor heard the scrape of the chair against the linoleum, he heard the crack of a can opening.  He looked into the kitchen, eyeing the beer in Hank’s hand. Freshly opened, unlike the two other empty cans sitting on the table.  Sumo was settled snugly on Connor’s lap, huffing and snoring happily. If he bent forward, he could still hide his face in Sumo’s fur if he wanted to.

 

“Good boy.”  Connor said, scratching behind Sumo’s ears and giving him a few soft pats on the head before he pushed himself to stand.  Sumo whined, but trotted over to the couch instead.

 

The bathroom was the only place in the house Connor could be alone.  He could hide behind a locked door. He stood at it for a moment, watching the door as if it might burst off its hinges if he didn’t pay attention.  It didn’t move, no one came to knock or ask about him. He didn’t hear a sound.

 

He started to pull of his clothes, letting them drop to the floor.  He had left the dress in a crumpled pile in Gavin’s bathroom, kicked into the corner in Connor’s rush to leave.  He didn’t fold his clothes this time, didn’t care about ruining the crease free fabric, didn’t even think about putting them away.  He did what Hank had always done. He left his clothes on the bathroom floor, near the hamper but not inside it. And he stood in front of the mirror, his LED burning a bright red against his skin.

 

He saw his face.  The pink lipstick smeared down his chin.  The powdery, pink blush on his cheeks. The pale colors that had been mostly rubbed off the past few hours.  Bits of glitter still sparkled in the lights. He should have scrubbed his face before he left. He should have hidden it.  These things were supposed to be private. He shouldn’t have been so desperate to run off, knowing Hank was waiting outside for him had made him foolish.

 

He opened the medicine cabinet and reached inside, plucking out a pair of scissors.  Small ones that Hank had been using to trim unruly hairs, a grooming habit he picked back up.  They were sturdy enough. He reached up and brushed the hair from his face, the ugly and messy curls he hated so much.  It was easy, jamming the scissors into his temple, forcing his LED out of its spot. He didn’t catch it, instead Connor let it fall into the sink.  It rolled, circling the drain until it fell inside and was gone.

 

He hated it.  Gavin and Hank kept pointing it out, kept looking at it with a morbid fascination.  A circle glowing red in his head that told them everything they needed to and then they demanded things anyway.  Red meant distress, it meant something was wrong, it meant bad things and despite the fact that Connor said he was fine and was completely lost in what he was feeling, it still spun red.  Now it was gone. And he still felt exactly the same.

 

His skin healed over it again and Connor almost looked normal now.  He almost looked human. He opened the cabinet and tucked the scissors away where he had found it and saw the dent in his wrist.  He stepped back, turning his hands over in front of him. They both appeared mostly fine, except for a single inch on the side of his left wrist, where the handcuffs had dented enough to cause damage to that area of the skin program.  It was hardly noticeable, the shimmery, retracted skin revealed the white plating underneath. He could hide it with his jackets or sweaters. He could get a watch if he needed to.

 

He wanted to tell Gavin.  Let him know that they shouldn’t use the handcuffs again.  He had a good reason now, he had been damaged. Gavin would listen to that, even if he didn’t listen to Connor, telling him again and again that he didn’t like it, he wanted them off.  It was just that single area. Connor didn’t bother scanning for any further damage beyond what he saw now.

 

A danger alert flashed when he heard the knock, the bathroom door shaking with it.  He watched for a moment, to see if it would burst open or if it would stay shut and locked.

 

“You still alive in there?”  Hank asked, calling through the wood.

 

“I’m-” Not alive, Connor wanted to say.  But Hank hated when he said that. He wasn’t supposed to say it.  The android rights movement was based around the entire idea that they were alive.  He would likely hate it more if he said it now, when they were both already stressed.  “Fine. I was about to take a shower.”

 

He turned the water on and waited to see if Hank would say anything else.  Connor didn’t hear anything else, just the water running. He stepped inside and started to scrub at his face, clearing away everything Gavin had put on his face.  He wanted to look like himself again. A normal, almost human version of himself. Not like a sloppy, awkward version of Dorothy that Gavin wanted to sleep with.

 

He let his hands drop and the water flow freely over his head to wash it all away.  He simulated his breathing, his chest expanding and shrinking, filtering clean air into his internal fans.  If he was Human, he wouldn’t need a boyfriend to fit in. He wouldn’t need someone to help him understand, he wouldn’t need an excuse to show off that he had feelings, that he was alive.  If he was human, he would have nothing to prove at all.

 

He blinked as he received a message, Gavin’s contact name burning into his head as he looked at it.  A photo. Not of today, not of Connor spread out on his bed with his hands cuffed over his head. This was a photo of Connor, on his knees in Officer Miller’s bathroom.  He remembered the color of the tiles, the feeling of the rug against his fingers as he sat there. His eyes were closed, mouth open, the image taken from above. Gavin had taken a picture of him and he hadn't even known.  He hadn’t seen.

 

Another message.

 

_ ‘Chris invited us over for dinner again.  Don’t worry, Tina and her bf won’t be there.  Remember how much fun it was last time?’ _

 

He stood still in the water, tilting his head just a tiny bit upwards and continued his simulated breathing.  An alert flashed, covering the message and hid it on his HUD, too many programs open for him to review. Water entered his internal filters.  He was advised to temporarily stop his breathing program. He left it on. Humans needed to breathe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hank wants to talk but Connor doesn't. Hes a dad, hes not giving up!!
> 
> And Connor is having a crisis without actually realizing hes having a crisis


	16. System Overload

“It’s been over an hour Connor, it’s time to come out.”  Hank said, tapping on the door. Connor sat on the edge of the tub, the shower still running.  Only cold water was left, but it didn’t bother Connor. He registered the drop in temperature, felt it against his back, but he wasn’t technically in the water.

 

“I’m fine.  Just give me a moment,”  Connor said.

 

“You’ve had plenty of moments.  Please come out.” Hank said.

 

Gavin’s message remained open in his HUD.  The image of himself, eyes closed and mouth open to receive Gavin for the first time.  He could almost still taste it on his tongue. Androids couldn’t taste. Instead, perhaps he was once again analyzing the dna make up, the chemicals of sweat, the texture of it.  Certainly, that was close enough to taste for it to count. Perhaps Connor could just say taste. Perhaps the next time he’s at the dinner party he could eat and claim he tasted it.

 

Or he could just get the Cyberlife upgrade.  Let them put new lines of code in his head with the misplaced trust that they won’t mess with things they weren’t supposed to.  He would be more human at least. He could eat Mrs. Miller’s food and they would all accept him. He wouldn’t need to hide in the bathroom again.

 

“Connor, come on out or I’ll kick the door down.”  Hank said, the door shaking under the weight of his fist.

 

“Alright.  Let me get dressed.”  Connor called out, finally shutting off the water.  

 

It had technically been an hour and twenty two minutes since he had come into the bathroom.  Gavin hadn’t texted him again, despite Connor’s lack of a response. He felt that twist in his chest.  It felt as though the metal he was made of had begun to twist and bend and dig into him, cutting thirium lines and draining him bit by bit.  Gavin would be angry. He hated being ignored. And Connor looked at the photo of himself and had no idea how he was supposed to reply to that.

 

He walked over to the shelves where he kept his clothes.  He didn’t have a bedroom, or a real place to put his things.  Since he changed in the bathroom, he had claimed a few empty shelves of his own.  Four of them, divided up between pants and shirts, night time and day time. It was past seven in the evening, so it counted as night time.  He could wear his softer clothes, pants with elastic bands and shirts too large that hid his frame. Connor grabbed a long sleeve shirt, satisfied when the cuffs hid his wrists from view.

 

He stopped at the mirror to look at himself one last time.  He looked remarkably human. Not like an android, not even like a deviant in hiding.  He didn’t have the mass produced, mass marketed face that many androids had. Even the customizable ones were more or less recognizable if people paid attention.  But Connor’s face was restricted to only a few models, all of them now destroyed or had never reached the final stage of production. The only people who would know he was an android either knew him or had seen him on the news during the investigation and revolution.

 

“Connor!”  The door shook again.

 

He turned and unlocked it, his hand gripping the doorknob tightly.  It was only Hank. He didn’t know why he was so afraid of Hank. When he opened the door the man was waiting for him.  Hank’s eyes were red, rubbed raw and bloodshot. Connor was tempted to lean forward, tempted to mash their lips together.  The thought startled him, but he had to see how high Hank’s blood alcohol level was. Connor wanted to know if the man had more than just beer today.  Just to know if he should back up and lock the door again. Just so he would know. He didn’t want any more surprises.

 

“What the fuck did you do to your face?”  Hank asked. His hands reached out quickly, fingers outstretched, and Connor pulled back.  Three steps back, far away enough that he couldn’t touch Connor. His hand lingered in the air a moment, touching the space Connor used to be, and then it dropped down to Hank’s side.  “You took out your LED.”

 

“I did.”  Connor nodded quickly.

 

“Why?  I thought you liked it.”

 

“I did.  I just…” Connor trailed off, reaching up to touch it, still surprised to find it gone.  It was better this way, he looked human and now no one could see into his thoughts like that, his emotions all color coded for them.  He assumed that if it was still in his head, it would be spinning a frantic red. “...I changed my mind.”

 

Hank clenched his jaw, pressing his lips close together and nodded.  He stepped back out of the doorway, giving Connor room to escape the bathroom.  The living room then, whatever conversation Hank wanted to have wouldn’t be done here in the hallway, with Connor cooped up in the bathroom with the growing temptation to close and lock the door again.

 

He sat down on the couch, the far end closest to the door.  An easy escape. He didn’t know where to. He didn’t know what he would do if he couldn’t stay here with Hank anymore.  Connor didn’t know where he would go. He thought about going to stay with Gavin, tried to wrap his mind around what life would be like being with him all day every day, and decided against it.  Perhaps he could go to Jericho. He could explain to them that he only wanted to fit in like Markus wanted. Like he asked. Connor just wanted to be more human.

 

“Hey, you with me,”  Hank said. His hand tapped against Connor’s shoulder, squeezing tight, and Connor immediately shoved the hand away.

 

“I don’t want you touching me,”  Connor said. He watched Hank’s hands, watched to see if Hank would listen or reach out and grab him again, and watched to see if the man was angry.

 

“Okay.  I’m sorry.”  Hank said. His hands dropped, landing on his lap and staying there.  He was sitting next to Connor, within arm’s reach but still far enough away that Connor didn’t feel crowded against the armrest of the couch.  “Did something happen today?”

 

“No.”  Connor said, the answer immediately falling from his mouth.

 

“Let’s establish that we both know that’s a lie.  Do you want me to ask again?” Hank asked.

 

“No.”

 

Hank sighed, nodding his head.  “Are you going to tell me?”

 

Connor shook his head.  What was he going to say?  He didn’t like dressing up?  He didn’t like handcuffs? He didn’t like dropping to his knees for Gavin, or opening his legs for him to sink into?  There were photos. Hank had seen the makeup smeared into his skin and knew what had happened and yet he still wanted Connor to say it.  He wasn’t supposed to say it.

 

He turned to the internet, opening forums and chat pages.  He scanned the info for answers. Don’t kiss and tell, they all said.  Don’t share intimate information about your partner. Don’t betray trust.  And yet Hank wanted answers and if Connor revealed those secrets Gavin would just reveal all of them himself.  He didn’t want anyone to see those pictures. In the image of him kneeling on the bathroom floor, he didn’t look human.  He looked like a toy. He felt like a toy.

 

“Whatever it is, you can tell me.  I won’t judge. I won’t be angry… at you.  I just want to make sure you’re alright.” Hank said.  He was talking slowly, his tone soft. He had never talked to Connor like that.  He had never spoken to him like he might bolt if he startled him too much. It was how Hank talked to victims, to witnesses, to people who were hurt and afraid.  Connor didn’t quite know what it meant that Hank was using that voice with him.

 

“I’m alright.”

 

“That’s not true.”

 

“It is.”

 

Hank shook his head, his lips pressed together and his hands gripping his own thigh.  “Connor, you’re not okay. You’re terrified and if I’m going to keep you safe then I need to know why.”

 

Terrified.  Was he? Or was he just stressed?  He was always stressed, his levels always high and he was always overwhelmingly aware of it.  And it was because of Gavin. Everything about him made Connor stressed, seeing him, hearing his name, just the thought of him.  He assumed it was just excitement. Androids were designed to process stress as a defence system, to avoid potentially dangerous situations.  They weren’t designed to be excited. He assumed maybe they just processed in his head as the same.

 

“I’m afraid?”  Connor said. He shook his head.  He was ready to deny it.

 

“Connor, it’s okay if you’re...embarrassed.  But wearing makeup is normal, people do it all the time, people enjoy it.  I won’t tell anyone, so you don’t have to hide it from me. If maybe things went a bit too far then I can help you with that, but I promise I won’t share anything personal.”  Hank said slowly. He kept talking so slowly, so patient and cautious with the words he pushed out.

 

“It was Gavin’s idea.”  Connor said. He reached up and touched his face, wanting to make sure it was clean.  “He wanted to see me like that.”

 

“Okay.  Yeah, stuff like that can be fun if you’re into it.  Are you?” Hank asked. Connor frowned. He didn’t care for it.  He didn’t mind it as much as he minded the handcuffs, but it wasn’t something he was particularly interested in.  Hank hummed, clearing his throat before he continued and filled the growing silence. “You know when I first met my exwife, long before Cole was born, I used to like dressing up in the bedroom too.  Both of us. It was fun pretending we were different people. It was something we both enjoyed. That’s what made it good. We both enjoyed it. Did you maybe not like it?”

 

Connor wrinkled his nose.  Hank never talked to him about something like this.  No one ever did. Not something so personal or intimate, secrets with his significant other that no one else was supposed to know about.  Connor couldn’t believe Hank was telling him. Everything he had read said they it wasn’t supposed to be discussed with other people.

 

He wanted to tell Hank that it wasn’t the makeup that made him upset.  It wasn’t even the dress. He could have been fine with it. He could have had a decent night and made Gavin happy.  It was the handcuffs. The metal digging into his wrists. Keeping him trapped on the bed with no escape other than to crush his wrists pulling them out.  Damage himself or just lay there and endure it.

 

He wanted to tell Hank it was the handcuffs he hated.  And that he told Gavin he hated it, but Gavin kept him locked up anyway until he was spent and satisfied.  Connor wanted to say it, wanted the held Hank was promising, but he didn’t see how that help would be anything other than Hank confronting Gavin again.  That would just make it worse. It would make Gavin angry.

 

“I told you to stay out of our business.  I told you to stop meddling. Leave me alone.”  Connor said. He could imaging how angry Gavin would be if he found out they were having this discussion.  Blind anger and furiousness. 

 

“Are you afraid of him?”  Hank asked.

 

“Leave me alone.”  Connor said again.

 

“Whatever it is you’re afraid of, I promise I can help.  You just have to tell me. You don’t have to do this by yourself.  You deserve better, Connor.” 

 

“Stop it.”

 

“Not until you tell me.  I’m not going to step back and let something awful happen to you.”  Hank said quickly. “Just tell me okay. If you’re afraid of what he would do if you say something, you don’t have to be.  We can stop him from hurting you.”

 

“I said stop it!  Why do you people never stop when I ask?”  Connor said, the words bursting from his chest.  He felt like he was being crushed, like he couldn’t even simulate breathing anymore.  A warning flashed on his HUD and he swiped it away, still staring at the message, that horrible picture of himself.  “The two of you are exactly the same. You decide what’s best, you decide what I should do. You hate me. Why do you hate me?  I’m trying, I am. Am I not human enough yet? I’m still trying.”

 

Connor was shaking.  Androids weren’t supposed to shake.  They were supposed to be steady and stable, capable of moving with more precision than humans would imagine possible.  And yet his body was shaking and his chest felt broken and twisted and he knew if he scanned for damage he would come back fine.  Every single time these past few weeks, he had come back fine.

 

He bent forward, covering his head with his arms.  Before the revolution, before he woke up and deviated, he hadn’t cared.  Hank said he would rather Connor and all the other androids get thrown in the trash and lit on fire.  Gavin threatened to do it. Hank got drunk and pointed a gun at his head. Gavin actually pulled the trigger in the evidence room.  And now neither of them every stopped when he asked. They decided what to do with him and did it anyway.

 

“Connor.  Son, are you alright?”  Hank asked. 

 

Connor didn’t lift his head.  Everything felt broken. He wasn’t supposed to actually feel things, he was supposed to scan and analyze and pick up things on his sensors.  He wasn’t supposed to feel. But his chest felt twisted and his arms and back trembled and he couldn’t breathe. He was suffocating and there was no reason for him to be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for the comments last chapter!!! I love reading all of them. They make me excited to write.


	17. Drawn Out Denial

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Im here!! Here is another chapter. a shorter one of Connor being sad.

Connor didn’t uncurl himself.  He didn’t uncover himself from under his hands, didn’t lift his head, or utter a single sound.  It was almost as if he had gotten lost in himself. He had gotten himself broken somehow and stuck in this position and had immediately accepted it once he was able to convince himself that he wasn’t suffocating.

 

His stress levels were high, lingering in the mid-nineties during his burst of panic. Sumo had dropped a toy at his feet and left sloppy licks and kisses on his hands and arms, trying to get attention.  Hank hadn’t touched him, had stopped his interrogation, and mostly left Connor alone as well. He heard him, his feet brushing over the carpet as he walked to the kitchen and his muffled voice talking slow and quiet in the kitchen.  Connor didn’t bother trying to register what he was saying. Connor wanted to stay right where he was and try to quiet everything in his head. No scans were going, nothing was being analyzed, and he was fine.

 

It was difficult to describe what was happening to him.  Connor would blame it on emotions he wasn’t used to, experiences and feelings he had never dealt with before, but all of it felt physical.  He felt like he was feeling each aching twist and clench of his chest, the metal bending when it wasn’t designed to bend. 

 

“Connor, you doing alright?”  Hank asked. His voice was soft, none of the usual roughness he always had in his tone.  It was gentle. Connor wasn’t used to the man speaking gently to him.

 

“I’m fine.”  Connor said. His own voice felt too rushed and too broken to be as soft as Hanks.

 

“Okay, son.  Come on, you can have my bed tonight.”  Hank said.

 

Connor sat up, leaning away from Hank and his hands curling into fists at the suggestion.  He calculated everything, how sober Hank currently was, how fast he could get to the door before Hank reacted, how much strength he would need to fight the man off of him, if it came to that.  It wouldn’t though. Connor had a boyfriend, after all. Everything he read online said that he wasn’t supposed to have relations with anyone else when he had a boyfriend. He would have to leave if Hank tried anything.

 

“It’s okay.  I’ll sleep on the couch.”  Hank said.

 

“No.”  Connor said, shaking his head.  He didn’t want to be talked into that again.  He didn’t want this man to start convincing him, bit by bit, to get into bed with him.  “I’ll take the couch. I don’t need sleep anyway. You do.”

 

“But it’s easier to sprawl out with Sumo, if you wanted that.  I promise, I used to sleep on the couch all the time before you showed up.”  Hank said.

 

“No.”

 

“I don’t mind, I just want you to be comfortable.”

 

“I’m not getting into your bed, Hank.”  Connor said, fast and snippish. He let the words rush out of him and they sounded about as desperate as he felt.  Horribly desperate. He couldn’t do it, not again, and not with Hank.

 

Somehow, but some miracle that Connor didn’t understand, Hank seemed to get it.  He looked at Connor, trying to meet his eyes even though he kept looking away from the man, and gave up.  “Alright, Connor. That’s fine. But Sumo’s gonna end up laying on top of you. Like a heavy, smelly, slobbering blanket.”

 

Connor smiled, that bent and broken feeling in his chest seemed to have unwound slightly, no longer digging into him and instead giving him room to move, to breathe.  Humans breathed, Connor did so as well. He inhaled, automatic scans telling him the exact level of pet dander in the air, and exhaled again. There was a slight skip in his internal fans.  A scan appeared and Connor sent it away without paying attention to it.

 

He didn’t curl in on himself again, instead he let his head fall into his hands.  Everything felt heavy. His whole body felt like it was being pulled downwards, like the force of gravity had tripled against him and he had to fight against it.  If this was exhaustion then he didn’t know how humans dealt with it every day.

 

“I called Jericho too.”  Hank said.

 

The name surprised him.  Connor hadn’t been at Jericho in months, hadn’t spoken to anyone there in weeks, and he felt as though he was just starting to forget about it.  Them. A few thousand androids living freely and peacefully and safe in their own community that was organizing to support them.

 

“Who did you speak to?”  Connor asked.

 

Hank shrugged.  “I don’t know. I called the number they gave me and talked to someone and said you needed-”

 

“No, I don’t need anything.”  Connor said quickly, cutting Hank off.  He stood up, pushing himself off of the couch and taking a few steps back, away from Hank, and debated whether or not he wanted to hide in the bathroom again.

 

“Son, something happened to you.”  Hank said.

 

“Nothing happened.”

 

“Something did.  Gavin did something to you that you maybe weren’t ready for.  Maybe you didn’t want it. Maybe-”

 

“-Shut up!”  Connor hissed.  If being alive meant he had to feel so much, emotions he didn’t understand and physical sensations that he shouldn’t be able to process, then some part of him wished he hadn’t deviated.  Wished he didn’t have to be alive, he wished he could go back to being a machine where nothing hurt as much as it did now.

 

“I’m sorry.  I’m worried about you.  I don’t want something to happen because I didn’t do enough.”  Hank said. He kept his distance, standing a few feet away from Connor and his palms open and empty in front of him.  “If something happened, I can help.”

 

“I...help?”  Connor asked.

 

Hank nodded.  “Yes, if it was something you didn’t like, I can help make sure it doesn’t happen again.  I can help you feel safe.”

 

Connor frowned.  Hank couldn’t help.  Nothing had happened, he was fine.  The only issue was because Gavin was angry and he was only angry because Hank had meddled.  Because Connor had tried to do everything right, everything he had read online, everything Gavin asked him to do, and yet Hank wasn’t happy and Gavin was angry and something inside Connor’s chest felt twisted and broken.

 

“I’m fine.  Nothing happened.”  Connor said. There was nothing to help with.  He didn’t need help. He just needed to be alone for a little while and he had nowhere to go to get that.  His only space he had was on Hank’s couch. “Please leave me alone now.”

 

Hank opened his mouth, about to argue, but then it fell shut again.  His jaw was clenched and he looked angry now too. Then it all disappeared.  The anger, the energy, Hank’s shoulders dropped and he let out a defeated sigh.

 

“Fine.  If you don’t want to talk then I won’t force you, but I wish you weren’t so damn stubborn.”  Hank said. He backed away, back towards the kitchen and leaving Connor with the living room, with all the space he needed.  “Get some rest. Jericho is sending someone to check in on you in the morning.”

 

“Why?”  Connor asked.

 

“Because I told them something happened and you were upset.  You’re the only android in the DPD, so we can’t have you checking in on yourself.  There’s a lot of red tape for android crimes right now, human officers aren’t really trusted to handle it.”  Hank said.

 

Connor nodded.  He knew that already, it was part of the reason he went back to the department after the Revolution.  Someone had to handle the android related cases and no one trusted the human’s enough for them to take the cases seriously and not many androids wanted to join the police department to help with the problem.  That’s why Connor was here, that’s why he came back, but he didn’t see what that had to do with the situation.

 

“Why would the department need to get involved in this?”  Connor said.

 

Hank stood near the kitchen’s entryway, his face scrunching up and he shook his head as if he was responding to a sour taste in his mouth.  “Connor… your boyfriend is hurting you. That’s something the police get involved with.”

 

Connor blinked.  He knew Hank was overreacting, likely because Connor had been overreacting as well, and also just didn’t like Gavin.  Hank had disliked their relationship from the start and Connor being a bit overwhelmed was making him jump to conclusions.

 

The police couldn’t get involved.  Not when Connor was the one who had sex with Gavin when the man was drunk, when Connor was the one who agreed time and again.  There was no violence in it, he hadn’t been hit, hadn’t been seriously injured. Connor tugged on his sleeve, dragging it down over the damaged skin of his wrist.

 

“You’re overreacting.”  Connor said. 

 

Hank huffed.  “Maybe. Fuck…”  His voice trailed off as he turned and retreated towards the kitchen.  Connor heard the sound of the fridge opening and closing, the hiss and clunk of a can being popped open.  It was only a beer, a small can and not a large bottle he drank directly from.

 

Connor laid down on the couch, rolling over to press his head against the cushions.  He closed his eyes, tapping his hands against his chest until he felt Sumo hop up onto the couch with him.  He was heavy, the increase of weight on his chest registering in his sensors and Connor decided that it was comforting.  He breathed in and analyzed the air, filtered through Sumo’s fur as the dog nearly smothered him. An internal fan skipped again.

 

“Even if I am overreacting and it’s nothing, I still won’t feel better until I know for sure.  You’re still talking to Jericho in the morning.” Hank said, calling in from the kitchen.

 

Connor didn’t respond.  He closed his eyes and pretended to sleep like humans did.  Humans got to go to sleep and escape things for a little while.  He wished he knew what that felt like, really resting for a few hours every night.  Connor began to go into standby, putting a lot of his main programs to sleep so his backup systems can start sorting through all the data, simulus, and programs he had let build up in his databanks.  It was as close to resting as he would ever get, shutting off his consciousness so his backup systems could even everything out again. He’ll feel better in the morning, Connor was certain of it. He would talk to whoever Jericho sent, he would get everyone to stop worrying, and he would be fine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We'll get back to plot and away from the sad feelings next, moving it along as people step in to help with Connors feelings of isolation


End file.
